Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn
I was thinking that this was just a matter of chemistry, a bad fit, until I read this:
This made me think, hmm, maybe a little bit of transference? Not the colloquial "I'm in love with my therapist" kind, but the classic, projecting feelings about someone onto your therapist kind. Is it possible that at times the therapist reminds you of your ex-husband, even a little? Like, you both care about your son, and when focused on him all is fine, but individually, you feel his judgement and ambivalence. Sometimes he feels well-disposed toward you, but you sense at other times the same kind of irritation and opposition you felt with your ex. And he makes the observation that your body language shows you have unresolved feelings about your ex.
It sounds like it might be transference, i.e. you are replicating your relationship with your ex-husband in your individual therapy sessions. And it sounds like your T might be thinking that same thing. That is a potential gold mine to explore with the therapist, if you are so inclined. Obviously, if it's just too much, stop your individual appointments. The therapist will not punish your son for it, if he's any kind of therapist at all (and he sounds like he's a professional).
But if I were your friend, I would urge you to tell him what you've told us, and be open to exploring those feelings. It could lead to some really useful and healing work. Just a thought. (and congratulations on being a caring parent and getting your kids the help they need to live healthier lives--you sound like a great mom!)  |
Hi, and thank you very much for your reply. I appreciate it so much because I know you all have many things to do and here you are taking time to help a stranger. Thank you!
I have learned not to dismiss anything out of hand since it often is me not seeing the truth so I thought carefully about what you wrote here.
I’ve read more than I wish I had about transference and have thought again here if that is what it is but he is in no way like my former husband or my father. If he were, I would not returned after the first session. I have learned that lesson at least. He is the opposite of them and is like the people I appreciate and like in my life since I became an adult, same kinds of politics, values, humor, compassion, etc. My husband and father are very similar to each other (did I see that then? Noooo.) and very dissimilar to me (also did not see that then. Alas.).
Our interactions are not like mine with my former husband even over my son, either. (Not arguing--just reflecting.) The therapist is genuinely concerned about my son and genuinely appreciates him. My former husband has until very recently only focused on my son’s faults and how my son is just like me (why is that not a good thing, I ask you? Kidding.).
You are entirely right about these things: “You feel his judgment and ambivalence. Sometimes he feels well-disposed toward you, but you sense at other times the same kind of irritation and opposition you felt with your ex. And he makes the observation that your body language shows you have unresolved feelings about your ex.”
Oh, yes, the irritation and judgment feel the same and I don’t want to be around that anymore, for sure. The reasons for it are different since the therapist has never expected me to be his maid or chef and doesn’t criticize me nonstop--not even for 50 minutes!
So—oh, Lord, I hope not—do you mean I need to come to terms with that? Couldn’t I just head for the hills? Seriously: That is a good thing to do?
I am not arguing but am asking to know: Does it matter that I still am angry at my former husband? I am but I think it will dissipate with time and distance. I only feel that way now when I see him and have to hear more than two sentences from him. That may be why the therapist is irritated?
On transference in general...Once a long time ago, I brought up transference since—well, of course since I must make things more complicated than they need to be—I find him attractive since he IS like the other people I like in my life and naturally he looks like the type of man I find attractive and anyone who loves my kids looks better to me than George Clooney does even. Let me note that although I never intend to date again, I have other people in my life who have the same attributes as the therapist, and who never even get irritated with me. Unless George Clooney drops in and says he adores my amazing kids, I'm done with that!
I said I read about it and that I don’t think I have it and for him to please tell me if it seemed like I did since the last thing I want is to recreate some former spouse/father thing. Have I not suffered enough?
Anyway, he got irritated, turned around, and said, “What are you talking about?! Where did you read about that? Of course it’s not and I am not interested! It is not appropriate. We have a professional relationship.” I will need to rest up before I bring that up again.
Still, though, what you said has made ME think. Maybe it’s a form of it and maybe I CAN find a good way to bring it up and work through and around it. And if not, I can just go since I feel better about him not dropping my son. He is a professional, just one with an irritating/irritable client.
You guys will need to send me a bill for all this insight.
Thank you so much.
P.S. You say “If I were your friend” but you FEEL like a friend for helping me. Thank you for that and for saying I seem like a good mom; I try my hardest at that, as I know you and everyone else here tries hard to be a good mom or dad.