I survived a suicide in my 30's. I had no desire to leave a note. Pissed I survived. Suicidal thoughts have been with me most days. Plan in place. My T's know. It has gotten better and I have more days I want to live than I want to die in the past month. Maybe therapy is finally starting to do something.

My IFS T says it is a part that gets triggered and is actually trying to help me and is protecting an exile. He even sent me this to try and help me understand:

I can share the experience that I have had with a client over the past couple of years. This client has many "intrusive thoughts."
You're a *****, you're bad, why don't you cut yourself, why don't you kill yourself ….etc.
She has parts that shame her for taking up space, for simply being alive.

In a very slow, painstaking way we have treated these individual thoughts as parts and wondered together the standard WAH question: "What is it concerned would happen if it didn't do its job?"
Sometimes this question nets nothing.
Then I ask the flip version "What is the hope of this part? How is it hoping to help you by doing this?"

Sometimes she has parts that shut her down from even participating in this discussion - its NOT allowed.
I may check and see what the part that wants to shut down the discussion is worried would happen if it didn't shut this down. Or I may just back off for now.

But when she can tolerate the discussion what comes out is that the part, no matter how nasty it's actions, is actually trying to protect her. She will often acknowledge that while at the same time not believing a word of it. It hasn't been an easy aha! experience at all. It is very slow.

There is a lot of nuance in the pursuit of this truth - I have to be careful not to announce this truth to her but to let it evolve in what she reports. When it does I marvel at it with her. "Isn't amazing how DEVOTED this part is to you? Wow. " I particularly pay attention to my own Self energy which can feel love for these intrusive parts which have so valiantly tried to protect this very abused client over many years. I experience my own Self energy radiating from my chest and it comes across to her.

Over time these conversations have led to her having more Self Energy when these parts appear. It now - 2 years later - makes sense to her that these are parts of her. That is huge for her.

She tells me that sometimes when they appear she'll say to them, "Oh, hello part!" She can unblend from them - a tremendous thing.

Thanks for the opportunity to write about this. It is a precious experience to facilitate this for her.