Hi, I'm not sure where to begin, this story will likely be a jumbled mess, so please forgive the lack of writing skills I have.

I'm 24 years old and feel my past is holding me back, my emotions are very weak and my girlfriend is helping me come to terms with my past.

There is a lot of hearsay to my story for the younger years which I will leave out for now.

My Grandma and Grandpa adopted me when I was 3, I've heard various reasons for this from my Mother, one is I'd be better off financially, another is that they tricked her, regardless, They took care of me from day one, I was told I was very close to my Grandpa, he died less than a week after my 3rd birthday and less than a couple days after my adoption was final.

Years later, my furthest back memories were me living with my Grandma and her mother which I will refer to as my Granny and my grandmas elderly bed ridden mentally handicapped cousin named Harold. My granny was a very sickly woman and had terrible arthritis her in back, I watched her wither away until she died when I was 12, she died at home in front of me, I was very sick at the time and wasn't taken to the doctor until I was pretty much better.

I went to Parkview Elementary where I had a very hard time getting through, I made it to the 4th grade and my grandma was "forced" to put me on paxil which lasted a short time and then I was switched to resperdral which I was on until I took myself off of it at 16 or so, my grandma took me out of Parkview and placed me in a strict Christian school, I told a huge lie about the school being under threat of bombing and was swiftly removed, she then did nothing, I received no sort of education from that point on, I was allowed to sit and watch TV for years eating myself into being vastly obese, she carried me the food, I'd tell her I was hungry no matter when or what time or how much I wanted, 4 hot dogs? no problem, 4 sandwiches? sure! I could eat out of the ice cream container and she would say nothing, I received no discipline and she always made excuses for me, it made it hard to form relationships as I assumed no matter what I did it would all go away after the fact

Our house was always a mess, I don't mean cluttered, they're was dog urine and feces all over and sometimes my granny would make a mess in the bathroom to the point I wouldn't want to go, would hold it for days at a time until I would break down and try to clean it up and unclog it, there was also a long period of time the bathtub didn't work so I would go quite some time without baths, I had no social interaction, no friends, no emotional support, nothing, the people I lived with were all very closed up, We were not broke, my Grandma got a nice social security check for herself and I as well as pension from my Grandpa who worked a very good job at the local power plant, my grandma had 3 kids other than myself who all knew what was going on but did nothing.

My granny passed when I was 12 and it was just myself, Harold and my Grandma, I recall the back laundry room was piled up with soiled bed clothes, it was connected to our kitchen which it all reeked of urine and feces, I would eventually break down and clean it up, all of this before I had even hit puberty, after my Granny passed my grandma used the extra money to buy me a PC, I used it as an escape, I became addicted to it for years, I did nothing but play video games and finally made some "friends" around my 16th Birthday I got into world of warcraft with one of my net friends and spent 16 hours a day on it, I would then sleep 12 hours and then right back at it every day for years, I had nothing else at this point, My Uncle Bill, who was the eldest of my Grandmas kids would pick me up every so often to go over and spend time with my cousin, on the way to his house he'd give me what I called "the speech" "you need to get into school, you need to clean up the house" but that's all he ever would do, once he took me aside when I was 15 or so(it's hard to recall the ages my entire teenage life blends together) and told me he would be a father to me if I wanted, I didn't respond because I was so afraid of him( he did nothing to me I just was intimidated by men) but at this point it was to late, I was a mess and didn't even realize it, I was content, I dunno how that's possible, I had become content living this life of mess and loneliness.

Harold passed when I was 14 or 15 I believe, It didn't really bother me, sickness and death was all I knew growing up around elderly people, if emotions had a switch mine was most certainly set to off at this point.

My birth mother and I fought constantly when I was younger, my psychologist that I went to when I was 10 said we we're more like siblings, I wasn't aware of the adoption until I was 13, I just assumed I lived with my Grandma, my Grandma would tell me how my mother was taking all her money and made me dislike everyone around me but her, my birthfathers family tried to reach out to me and she turned me against them by telling me that my Grandmother on my fathers side wanted to abort me as well as other things about them.

I slept with my Grandma until I was 12 or 13, My grandma wiped me after I went to the bathroom until I was 10 or so, I was on the bottle until I was 5.

I am currently 24 and my life is a mess, I have no education, no job and am stuck living with my Mother who to this day tells me I can't blame my Grandma because she was sick, This is just a small fraction of the things I had to go through, until I met my Girlfriend I assumed it was no big deal, but she seems to think otherwise, Sorry for the grim details, thanks for taking the time to read this.