Among my friends at home, I am known as the "free shrink". Which, at first, when my own illnesses weren't at play; I didn't mind. I love helping the people I care about, and I did what ever I could to help them and let them know I am there. But, that feeling of care is never reciprocated.

I have been in and out of doctors, hospitals, you name it, all week for tests, etc. I was diagnosed today with an autoimmune disease and I am scared. Why? Because my dad is 50 and already is in kidney failure and these diseases attack your organs. Death doesn't scare me. Knowing I am more likely than not going to be in constant pain (I already am, my joints never stop hurting) scares me. Because it makes me disabled and I can't be that way.

I opened up to one of my best friends, and after all I wrote and after I was honest; all I got was a "sorry". I texted my other friend so I could actually get out of my house, and instead of saying "nah I don't feel like hanging out" she just doesn't text back. I think I am more upset with the first friend considering for the past month I have been her anchor. I gave her 12 page replies on her mental state, always picked up the phone, was always there. But now that I need my friends, it's like they couldn't care less. I have become the free shrink. The one who saves everyone but the one who couldn't matter in a thousand years.

I am so angry and so god damn alone that I just want SOMEONE in my small effing friend group to go "wow, I think they need me." and ACTUALLY REACH OUT TO ME.

I am done saving other people. No one cares about me. No one cares that maybe I need them right now. No one cares that I am actually scared.

I am a good. An irrelevancy. I should have known better. I am an idiot.