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Originally Posted by Asiablue
I was once told by a therapist that once i started the journey to emotional wellness to expect to lose people in the process because people don't like change and they don't like when others around them become healthy and/or can't be manipulated anymore.
That has been true to an extent. I haven't lost people per se but the relationships have changed not for the better... however i have found the courage to protect myself better from these people and that has made my life better, easier to live with myself, calmer.
When you begin to build your protective, healthier boundaries you won't lose your empathy for others but you will realise your needs are equally if not more important. Think of it as self care, you need to save yourself before you can save others otherwise you'll drown too.
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Thanks Asia,
I think you are right with the healthy boundaries, its a first step. I think that this is where I have the most problem is because I have a boundary line now where as I didn't before. People don't like the fact that I am not readily available or that instead of letting them walk all over me or abuse me, now I name it and tell them what they are doing and they don't like it.
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Originally Posted by Michelle25
I am appalled by this statement from your T "She said most people never think about how something will affect anyone else." I did not find that to be the case, most of my life. However, I've seen that kind of mentality in recent years. I've now been hurt beyond belief. How callous and obnoxious it is. Unfortunately, I am beginning to think that the "nice people" of the world need to learn to be cruel and heartless if they are to survive. I don't like saying that but it seems to me that it is the way to go. I don't know if I can do it.  |
I don't think the kind need to be cruel and heartless to survive because that would not be true to yourself. I think some people don't know how to be kind because because they have never experienced kindness from another. i am sorry that you were hurt so badly, I hope you don't let your past color your future though
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Originally Posted by content30
Hmmm...I guess I'm confused. It's good to have empathy and worry how your a toons affect others, but only to an extent. You do need to guard your own heart and mind and set healthy boundaries. You are not responsible for others' happiness, but we all have to take responsibility for our own actions and care to some extent. It is a delicate balancing act for sure.
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it is a balancing act and I guess its an act of balancing our own needs with the needs of others. I always used to out others before myself. T even pointed this out to me in session. We both went to start a sentence at the same time and I motioned to her to go a head and she said why? i said because mine didn't matter, it wasn't important and she said, what makes you think mine was more important. I just presumed it was more important.
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Originally Posted by purplejell
I can totally relate to the empathy thing monalisasmile. I think "too much empathy" can sometimes mean losing yourself and your own perspective because you're so busy thinking and feeling what others do. I think it is definitely a boundary issue, and being able to choose when to step back and check in with yourself on what you are thinking and feeling. Great that you are making these changes, although it is hard when people don't like the "new you".
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thanks purplejell, I hope the people who love me for being me will stick around but its a chance I am willing to take at the moment.
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Originally Posted by 1stepatatime
First off....you are by nature a very warm person....that is a quality  . Having said that, never let others drain you...and often it is unintentional. I have learned over the years that sometimes it is okay to be selfish, yup...I said it  . Selfish meaning taking good self care, not allowing toxic people into your life, to establish boundaries so that you are not emotionally drained by others...just being aware of your own needs and honoring them. Sounds like you are on the right path |
Thanks !step, you are not so bad yourself lol
I am on a mission to stake all of the emotional vampires one by one.
Toxic people is a word that keeps popping up lately, I guess I should listen to that more.
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Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans
When you start to change it's as though you and the people in your life were playing a board game and all of a sudden the rules are different and they don't like it at all. But the good people will stick around and figure out new ways to play. I want to say that it's no great loss about the ones who don't stick around but losing people you care about, even if they aren't good to you, IS a loss and it can feel quite sad to let go of them.
Managing your empathy is a tough skill when you have a lot of it. I think that if you're able to have empathy for yourself too, it becomes easier to recognize when your sensitivity to other people's issues is causing you harm.
Have you checked out Elaine Aron's work about highly sensitive people?
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Hey FJ, I have never read that book, is it good? it is a book that has been mentioned to me before. I meant to get it but I already have about twenty books to read before college starts at end of September.
I have just started to care for myself and cut myself some slack so I am realising how much of myself I gave away especially to my ex. I sacrificed my whole being for her, I realise that was my choice but I never thought I had a choice with anything before but now I have so many options and choices. I am still struggling with trying to be kind to myself well trying to be as kind to myself as I am to others.
The other night in work, I had a terrible back ache and so did my co worker, she noticed I was walking funny and asked what happened I told her I had hurt my back. She said she had hurt hers too, so I said ohh you poor thing, I went and got her some pain killers my last two and goit her a glass of water. I insisted on doing to heavy work and she said, why sure you have a sore back too but I forgot about mine.
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Originally Posted by feralkittymom
I think there's a difference between weakened ego strength and empathy. Empathy is an emotional reaction that is fundamentally about the other person, not the self. The emotion flows outward. It seems like being overly negatively effected by others' emotions/circumstances is about the self, with the emotion flowing inward.
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Hmmm, tat is interesting. Can you emplain some more as I am not sure I understand fully?
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Originally Posted by _Mouse
Thats more like codependency issues. Empathy we empathise, but we don't loose ourselves to another person. We don't carry their aches & pains.
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I beg to differ Mouse. co dependency is baout a need to control others, empathy is not about controlling just feeling what others feel
Are You an Empath? The Truth about Your Sensitivity