TRIGGER WARNING- suicidal thoughts discussed

This is not a post crying out for help- right at this moment, I am okay and have a T who I share some of this with. I am interested in how you view your Sui thoughts (for those of you who have them).

I have never in my life attempted suicide though I have had that serious inner dialogue and felt very close to being ready- once as teen and again a couple of years ago. It has always just been thoughts- more like grappling with the "how do I get out of this pain...well, there is always this sure way out" type of thinking. Zero plan of action.

The past year I am aware I have Sui thoughts at least several times a day, only they seem more morbid (ex: I am always pausing the moment before I open the garage door and have the thought I could start the car and never open it, or when blow-drying my hair I have a quick thought of dropping the cord in the sink). I have always had the thought of writing out good-bye letters, yet now I find myself making mental notes in my head of points I want to make sure to include in my messages to those I would leave behind (but I haven't actually written them). I find myself looking at the calendar to pick a month where it wouldn't conflict with a holiday or a loved ones birthday....you get the point. I have these thoughts daily on a passing level but always have felt it more of a mental way out of my pain, versus looking to do the act. Is it normal to be crying over a mental good-bye letter I've written in my head to my parents? I mean, is this just the nature of having these thoughts---or because they are just always lingering in the back ground. Should I be concerned that it feels more detailed now? Is this how it progresses to the actual act or does everyone more or less live with these thoughts to varying degrees?