I am sorry you feel abandoned. I cannot say that I know exactly how you are feeling, but I feel like I don’t have parents. My mother has etched into my brain that she does not want me. My mother has abandoned me at shopping stores, ripped up my social security card and birth certificate, and has thrown my things (including my bed) outside of the house claiming that I am not her daughter and she would rather see me raped by some random person in a dark alley. This was before I turned 13. I am now 19. It’s hard to feel normal, but the most normal I have felt for years was going onto this forum yesterday.


I can relate to being a different person. I created another person while I attended high school. This other person had a happy, normal life that had plans to go to college and become a doctor. But that wasn’t me, I am someone completely different (and even then I don’t know who I am). I glued a smile onto my face whenever I felt like jumping out of a window. I told people that I had a nice family dinner, even though I actually spent the entire night crying since my paranoid schizophrenic mother was abusive. Every time the cops came over, I didn’t tell anyone outside of my family. I was pulled out in the middle of class frequently to be interrogated by a social worker. I told people it was just my parents telling me to catch the bus home. I had to pretend that everything was okay, so I spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom both during class and during free time. I couldn’t hide my life forever, there were so many times I would panic because my real life was crossing into my school life. I didn’t consider anyone a friend, I felt that they were secretly judging me and would betray me at any minute. I took any joke towards me very seriously, it felt like they were attacking me while I was already down in rock bottom. I have spent years wanting to go home, but I have never found my home. My family is very poor and we live off of welfare, and it is very hard to hide poverty. Once I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, I simply abandoned my life and have now spent the last two years existing on my bed, essentially doing nothing. I have cried/sobbed so much that I stopped breathing and my only thoughts were to just end this misery, but I end up taking a breath. My eyes are puffy and tired, but I can never rest. I have tried so many times to kill myself that I feel like it’s really difficult to successfully kill yourself. These episodes are random, especially when the loneliness kicks in.

I always feel like screaming, whether it is physical or emotional pain. The only thing I have found to alleviate this is to silently scream. I scream in my head and I also listen to music with screaming in it. If I’m alone but there are other people around, then I whisper my screams. I don’t know your medical history, but as someone with major/clinical depression, panic attacks, anxiety, social anxiety, migraines, insomnia, dysmenorrhea (severe menstrual pain), and fibromyalgia syndrome (chronic widespread pain), I find it hard just to walk or exist without feeling pain. If you have music, I think it can really help, especially just to sing along. I don’t listen to happy music, they’re always about pain and suffering. It’s hard to live when you feel like you’re constantly fighting, all you want is to just stop, but the fact you have survived through it all has to count for something. You take it one day at a time.