The following is going to sound insane. It sounds insane to me, but please, bare with me....

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a religious person. Been there, done that, and being told that I was going to hell on a weekly basis - as a child - for thinking differently than the sheeple around me has left me with quite the bitter distaste for religious institutions and those that are affiliated with it.

Now, onto point: I've been coming down on my meds for about a month now. My insomnia has come back with a vengeance, but when I FINALLY fall asleep, my dreams have become more and more bizarre and/or horrific. I don't mind that; I've dealt with that my entire life.

However....this afternoon, I was exhausted and told my husband I was going back to bed. Had a string of weird dreams again, but then it felt like I was awake, kind of like being stuck with the sleep paralysis but not quite. It felt like I was turning and twisting "inside" my body, like it was my brain, or my soul...I can't really explain it.

I remembered when I was little (when the abuse was happening), I could "fly" out of my head when I slept. No one believed me for a long time, even after I told my mother about the things I witnessed from my bird's-eye-view up by the ceiling. (Years later she admitted that she believed me, but she was too terrified at the time to be honest with me).

Anyway, I had to talk to a priest about it. He warned me never to do this, because "demons would take over my body." So when I started to "fly," I would get so paranoid that some unseen evil entity would take over my body that I would "suck" my mind's eye back inside my head.

Today, as I was "rolling inside my own body" on the bed, awake and aware, I "rolled" off of the side of the bed. It wasn't quite like the floating I used to do as a child; instead of going up like a helium balloon, I fell down the side of my bed in slow-motion until I was on the floor, looking under my bed. I could see the mess of boxes and a few socks stuffed under there, and that was when the old phobia about demons coming to possess me came back. I was sucked back inside my own head, still awake and aware.

I went to my therapist today to put another dent in the astronomical bill that I owe his company, and I told him about it. He said that this form of 'disassociation' was common with people (particularly children) that suffer from PTSD like I do. He's kind of new-agey, I guess, but he's a smart guy and I don't think he was telling me this just to pacify me.

The kicker in all of this is that on my drive home, I had a massive anxiety attack, and I have NO idea why. I've had one looming over my head all day - I've taken a full klonopin already to try to keep it down - but I don't think it's working. It's like I KNOW "Uncle Pedo" is here, just around the corner, waiting for me and I'm still this scared little kid again. It's sickening, and I hate it. I hate feeling like this, I want it to just stop. I think this whole "floating" business has brought the old feelings of "gotta run, gotta hide and escape" back up to the surface.

Now that the crazy lady has spoken, has anyone else ever done this "astral projection" stuff? Is it a real thing, or is it just my brain's way of tricking me again? It was kind of fun and thrilling - the same way I felt when I was little - but I've been screwed up all day because of it.