I can really relate to a lot you are feeling. I have made it very hard for people to know the true me, and I have been hiding all of my conditions for years. Music helps me a lot with my emotions and feelings, I tend to listen to hard rock and metal. Not a lot of people understand how we feel, they think we can just get over it and that it is “fake.” It isn’t fake, and it is a very real illness. No one likes getting hurt or stigmatized even further, I know certain people get offended if I mention that I have tried to kill myself multiple times. I have always been shy and scared of judgment. I guess this just serves as my foundation for social anxiety, I become anxious and have panic attacks when speaking to someone, especially someone I do not previously know (i.e. anyone not in my family). You shouldn’t stop taking your medication, we use medication that alters our brain chemistry, they make us less depressed, but sudden changes can send us into a spiral. I constantly remind myself about my medication because I become a completely different person without them. I am already depressed, but the non-medicated version of me is even worse. I thought my medication was preventing me from feeling the pain I should feel, but off of it I ended up in my kitchen trying to saw my arm off from the elbow. I take over five medications, and I am now used to it at 19. You can’t stop fighting, even when there isn’t any fight left in you. I feel like I don’t have supporters, and the only boyfriend I had would yell and scream at me if I wasn’t smiling and being “happy” around him. He’s gone now, everyone is gone now, so I stay in my bed taking everything one day at a time.