Hello all, it has been a very long time since I hve told anyone on here how I am doing except for the few posts I have made in a few fourms in the past few days.

It has been very hectic here, these past few months, after bryon matthew was born, he was digonased with Acid reflux, and it has made it very hard to take care of him as he cry's a great deal, and also trows up a great deal.
When I am not taking care of him, I am asleep as I do not get much at night. He sleeps very little and when he does it may be at 45min intervals..

I just have not felt like talking to a whole lot of ppl I have not really even posted on my own site about what is going on, I have not posted on my best friends site, as I do not know how to talk about how I am feeling, or how to say the things going on in my head.
One of my issues is my ex he is letting his daughter my middle child get away with what ever she wants to down there, and I have to suffer the repcrussions here, at home. I have to constatly tell her NO NO, jess that is not the way we do it. I also have to constatly tell her she can't run or jump in our home as we have a 95 gallon fish tank in the living room where she is used to playing and getting her way ever weekend. She is a wonderful 4 year old, but she is so confused, with how to act here and at home.. I do not like to yell at her, or spank her all the time, but he leaves me no choice, as she is spolied down there all the time. With the holdiays, coming up, it isgoing to be very hard on me as I cant afford to get her all the stuff, he is getting her.
We did get her some presents, and I hope she likes them.. It just breaks my heart when I see the tears in her eyes, from me yelling at her, it makes me think of my past and it scares the hell out of me, am I turning into what I do not want to turn into. This is one of the things, that bother me the most.. I am scared, of being something I never wanted to be, when I was growing up.. I do not like to spank kids, I do not like to yell, but lately that is all I am doing to everyone in my life. My husband is getting the brunt of it lately, and it breaks my heart to yell at him when I know he has did nothing to deserve it.. Oh i'm so screwd up I cant handle much more of this.
*** may trigger some sorry****

Over the last few months, I have been fighting my Post partum deperssoin and also, I have been fighting the urge to cut,( the urges are so, hard to fight, I want to do it so much, but I know if I do, I wont stop at just one cut) or do something worse, I just have not been myself lately I have been so moody, that I dont even like myself. I yell more than normall, and I am stressed way beyond my capbilties of handling it, I do not handle stress well, I normall react by walking away, but kinda hard to walk away from the kids when they are what is stressing you out.

I'm sorry this is long, but I felt like I needed to get it out or I was going to explode.. sorry

Oh well i'm rambling now, sorry for being so long