Ezraic, I can relate to parts of your life. My mom left me with my grandparents when I was 3. My biological father came and went. Our house was full of trash. We often had to go to the bathroom in a 5 gallon bucket--it gets gross when several people use it and don't empty it--I was too young to take care of it--but I was totally aware of how bad it smelled. I too would wait as long as possible before going. Not to mention it was really hard for a young child to perch on a bucket. I did not overeat--my grandparents went the other way they starved me. Not getting enough food while I was growing up contributed to my eating disorder. As for not blaming my grandparents for my neglect and abuse...well thats hard to do. I have spent hours upon hours talking about it in therapy and pages and pages writing about it in my journals. When I had come to somewhat of an understanding about the whole mess I blogged about it and shared my story with the public. I just recently took down my blog because it was all about the past. I finally feel like I'm ready to close the door of my past and live in the here and now--the present moment where I'm not terrorized by my memories. It has taken me a long time to get to this point--there is no way avoiding dealing with the past but there is hope that someday you will be able to move on. I don't know if I will ever "completely forgive" my grandparents, but I no longer harbor resentment against them--yes, they were sick but that's no excuse...many people may disagree with me about needing to forgive my grandparents before I can let go of my resentment. The reality is that they inflected a lot of pain on me and they don't deserve my total forgiveness but I'm able to keep it in perspective so I no longer feel tortured by bad feelings about them. Just like shutting down my blog and closing the door on my past I have moved on to living in this present world (a much better one). Of course it sounds like you still need to sort out your past so you can eventually come to some type of closure--closure is a wonderful thing but you have to go through a lot of pain to get there--there is no way to avoid the pain. I tell you my story because I want you to believe there is hope for you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there, go through what you need to go through and someday you will be FREE of your past. Take care......D.