that I will never have a sex life, much less a love life. I'm in my mid-50's but have never been in a serious relationship. On the one hand, I want one; on the other, I do not have the skills and seem to be self-defeating. I don't even have any friends and, frankly, have such a bad record that I am afraid to go out and meet people. It is not fun. I am not a great conversationalist or physically desirable. I am tired of my problems. Nothing has helped them. Therapy does not help because my issues overwhelm me. Meds just seem to dull the pain a little but offer no improvement of my situation. I have even given up religion as it did me no good. I am so tired.

I am not comfortable being gay and never will be. I am not able to adapt. Deep down, I need a cure but that does not exist. Yes, I need a cure. Nothing else will do.

Also, I need to learn how to have fun. This was not learned in childhood. All I learned was how to follow commands. There is no going back to overcome a childhood without playmates and toys. I was raised to be an adult from the start and have been damaged ever since. I cannot change who I am or my past. I cannot become the life of the party like my dad. Please do not suggest that I buy a box of crayons and draw like a child as several therapists have done.

Somewhere, when my conservative parents tried to toughen me up because they did not want an gay son, I lost my total self. I can't find that person anywhere.