Thankyou for sharing your story, it's good to know that there may be hope for me afterall, But that's what concerns me, I don't feel really any pain, or saddness, I somehow was content the whole time, I had bouts of depression here and there, but who wouldn't, I still tell myself it wasn't a big deal and that I lucked out, I didn't have to deal with the stresses of school and peer pressure, I got to just kick back and do nothing, my girlfriend is doing her best to make me realize the truth about things, but can emotion come back or is the way I will always be? I feel as if my family used me to "babysit" my Grandma while they lived their lives, had kids, worked, they never came around a lot because of the condition of the house, It's as if they threw me to the wolves and told themselves she wasn't alone, I was there so it was ok. I've come a long way as far as the social anxity goes, I still feel different and somewhat shy, but it's the lack of emotion that eats at me now, I want to feel the things people feel, yet I feel so shut down, I was a closed up angry person until I was around 22, I started smoking pot and it really helped me let down my walls, It was more of took than a pleasure, something to let out the tension, when I was 19 I got into a abusive relationship with a girl I met online, she was from BC Canada and I paid to move her to Indiana to live with me, she treated me like garbage and I treated her just as bad, I'd have these horrible outbursts of anger in an instant, I had no idea how to handle a real relationship with another person and she had a similar situation and was just as bad, we stayed together for 3 years of living hell under my Grandmas roof, her home was so far away that it was just easier to forgive and keep trying, neither of us we're right, I feel it may have been therapeutic in some twisted way, I was able to vent years of frustration on her and she vented all her frustrations on me, after getting all that out I feel empty, my current girlfriend is a sweetheart and we treat each other very well, I told her my story and it infuriated her, she couldn't believe that my family let it slide, I talk to her about it constantly. I spent an entire year high and now I rarely smoke, I want to be able to figure my life out sober and try to feel on my own again, I'm just not sure where my life goes from here, I've looked into getting my GED and feel overwhelmed at how far behind I am, I get a decent disability check because of my Grandpa(legally my father) but I want so much more from my life than that, I still sit every day doing nothing, I have terrible insomnia, I have no routine, since I was 20 I went from near 400lbs to 190 last year, but I've started to gain again due to lack of motivation, I fear getting obese again, I fear the passing of time, I don't want to wake up 30 and still be where I am today, my therapist is a sweet lady but she doesn't seem sure how to deal with my kind of situation, my GP prescribed me adderall for some reason, it doesn't really seem to help much, it makes my insomnia worse, My grandma is currently in a nursing home with bad Alzheimers and none of my family seems to worried about it, I really can't say it bothers me much, I gave the first half of my life to her, I feel like I've went above and beyond what a child should do for their parent. But really I am just tired of faking emotions that I really want to feel. I'm not sure if it's from the resperdrone I was on through the first half of puberty or my exposure to naked eldery people as a child, but I have ED as well as a drastic lack of sensitivity and my neither regions, my girlfriend understands, but I beat myself up for it constantly, from the years I spent on my computer I have terrible degenerative arthritis in my middle back which is also abnormally curved, I'm very self concision about it, I'm not sure if sharing really helps but I just need some sort of outlet besides what I've had, the nightmares over but it's something I seem unable to let go of, I fear people assume I'm using it as an excuse to be "lazy" in life, my birthmother who I currently live with tells me constantly to go get my GED, we're very distant and she is a very closed off and angry person, I can't open up to her, I've tried a few times and she always makes an excuse for my grandma, she told me she may have had postpartum since she had her first and only birth son, my mother was adopted by her as well as her second son, but in the end I just wonder why no one called social services or anything, I once asked my Birthmother about it, she claimed she tried and that Indiana had no guidelines on homeschooling and that as long as my grandma said she was home schooling me that was all it took, for them to overlook it.