This post helps me, I like what Rose76 says. For most parents, turning your back on a son or daughter who needs your help, whatever the age, is very very hard. Trying to be straight up hardline about it usually backfires, in my experience, because you are not coming from the heart and the child knows it. Then you have lost all credibility. Honestly, you sound like you want to help him so you need to follow your heart in that. Al-Anon can be great. Micromanaging, something I tried, doesn't work, no matter how right you are and how clear the case seems to be, even if they agree to it. My grandparents could care without micromanaging. It is really hard, I cannot seem to do it very well.

What I want to try for my son is to get him a camper and put it on my property, he can have some privacy and responsibility and at the same time I can help him out and there is a clear boundary. Its hard to live in the same house because it is right in your face. And you are right in his. Sometimes people need to feel like they have their own spot. Another thing was to put up a door and let him have the guest room and his room and the bathroom as a separate little apartment. It was easier for me to separate myself from his personal business that way. Sure, he did bad stuff in there, but it would have been a whole lot worse if I'd tried to manage the whole thing. He couldn't blame stuff on me either.

As a child I was told by my parents "not in MY house" and they decorated the whole house and made all the rules. I never felt at home in my own house. I had a ton of anxiety as a child and didn't like being at home much. It wasn't my home. I always felt that I didn't fit in, there was none of "me" there. That is very unhealthy.

My son always harps on hating to live with his mother at his age. Having a place for him on the property will help, if it comes to that.