Quote:
Originally Posted by growlycat
The above it a lot to read, I know. A good place to start is to think back when someone said something kind to you, and try to replay it in your mind over and over. Or to imagine someone you care about trying to make you feel better. A fantasy can trick the brain into a better state of mind, although using real events carries more punch.
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Wow thank you for the support and the links.
I'm trying to comfort myself in a constructive way. I just can't seem to calm down. I just want to eat more and I don't know why I can't get myself to stop wanting that. I don't actually want food. I just want to feel okay inside and it is the only thing I know how to do other than Su when I get so frustrated with myself and my life. Everything I wrote up there was complete crap and I should know better than to say the **** that I did about my T not caring. This is not her fault and I can't seem to get myself to accept that. I understand that this isn't what she wanted. She does care about me and she would be here if I could. I don't have the right to be upset with her and I actually don't think I am. I'm just so frustrated with my life right now and I'm putting it on her.
I've been cooped up in this house around these people for weeks and I can't take it anymore. I'm losing my mind. Everything agitates me. The telephone rings and I'm so irritated, I want to either smash it into pieces or jump out the window so I never have to hear it again. I hear footsteps and I freeze in place because I'm too stupid to actually recognize that I'm not 7 years old anymore. If she actually tried to hurt me, I could beat the ******* **** out of her before she so much as put a mark on me. I could do that. I'm for whatever stupid reason unable to recognize that and I'm just paralyzed with fear at the sound of damn footsteps. I don't even care if I have some sort of anxiety issue that explains my lack of rational thought, I should know better by now.
I constantly try to imagine people I care about comfort me but it makes me feel weird. I shouldn't be so obsessed with people and need their comfort. I flip it around and imagine talking to them about their life because my life is absolutely meaningless if I'm not helping someone out.
Maybe I would be better off if I could actually manage to get more than 4 hours of sleep every night. I've gotten 10 hours of sleep in the past 3 days and if I don't figure out how to fix this problem soon, I'm going to end up doing something stupid. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I mean that in a sleep deprivation is a psychological nightmare for me AND MY WIFI IS SO DAMN SLOW DOWN HERE IN THIS ******* PRISON I WANT TO BEAT MY ROUTER WITH A CLUB.