So.... I've wondered if I was Avoidant or not for a loooong time. The only thing that doesn't fit me to a T is that I act VERY social and I don't appear shy.

Most of that is an act and learned behaviours that I learned ages ago. As a child and adolescent I was CRAZY shy and withdrawn unless I already knew people and was comfortable enough in the setting. But everyone always told me to change and be more talkative and open... so I learned to do it because I didn't want to get rejected and abandoned. (Also, I have bipolar 2, and I was sick of people telling me sometimes that I talk too much and other days that I seem miserable and stuff... so... I learned how to pretend a lot and my behaviour APPEARS quite consistent now?)

I guess I'm just going to post up the diagnostic criteria and explain how it does or does not fit me. I think I just need to write this all out instead of just thinking about it, so bare with me ok?

• Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

((I'm a teacher. This may sound like it's social but there is a key difference: my boss and coworkers don't really SEE me working. Just the children. And they get changed every year soooo I never have to worry about rejection from them!))

• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked

((I can be "friends" with someone for months before I'll ever do anthing with them outside of whatever realm I know them through. I won't even switch numbers, or go beyond "yeah we should do something sometime" until I already know that we're GOOD. I also do not initiate conversations with new people - sometimes this is changed when I'm drunk and/or hypomanic))

• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed

((This is more of a physical restraint; I can't talk about my preferences when it comes to being physically close with someone. I also don't know how to properly express it when I'm upset and I have a hard time asking for things))

• Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations

((Oh yes, yes I am. Any tiny little sign from the other person and I'm done. I might not SHOW it but I sure as anything am feeling/thinking it.))

• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy

((I can't dance unless I'm drunk; I intentionally aim to LOSE games so that I don't feel embarrassed; I can't do group sports; I'm unable to go to the gym or any sort of fitness class; As much as I want to, I've been unable to take any sort of "class", when I DO do those sorts of new things I have to have someone I already know with me - and they have to be new at it too, so that we can feel silly together. I can't even go running because I worry about people seeing me! And I think I'll be rubbish at it, so even if I really really want to learn... I can't seem to make myself. Like... I can't even do my OWN birthday celebrations, or get awards, or attend my convocation/graduations when I was younger))

• Views themself as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others

((I'm not socially inept because I am a great pretender, but I definitely know/believe that people will find me annoying or disappointing, I definitely don't think I'm better than anyone and typically view others as being better than me, I think when someone hits on me it's because they're desperate and think I'm an easy target (or I think they're too drunk to know better), etc etc. I think people can like well enough what I present, but once I start acting like ME they're going to be gone))

• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

((Pretty much already explained this one in regards to all the things I can't seem to do. I could barely even get a pedicure because they would be looking at and touching my feet! I only didn't panic because there was also an old man getting his feet done - and I only went as it was a challenge for something my T wanted me doing.))

Like... they all fit me, except that I've already learned how to fake it - which I did only because I couldn't stand standing out for being shy when I was younger and was trying SO HARD to meet expectations and to just blend in. Whenever I would have had my first hypomanic times is probably what helped me learn this, because then I CAN be quite naturally social and so I spread that behaviour into my everyday behaviour - again, because I couldn't stomach standing our or being noticeable.

Anyway. I guess I was just wondering if anyone else is so good at pretending that it doesn't even appear like there's an issue?