thanks myself.

i think there might be a few different senses of the term 'self psychology'...

the big words are hard. i'm struggling with them because they are unfamiliar to me...

i guess i'll google them at some point (when i can find the time) and try and get the hang of them.

the kind of 'self psychology' i meant was the kind that was developed by Kohut.

there have been other theorists who have worked on it since then, but my institution doesn't subscribe to the psychoanalytic journals and so it will take me a while to obtain any of that...

at the moment i'm making do with google and the library. i think i saw other stuff by Kohut (and by people since who have collated his work and written introductions etc) so i'll read up on them...

what i like about psychoanalytic theories...

is the notion that if you train to practice then you need to undergo a course yourself... and hence... clients who try and understand it are appreciated.

not sure that a client who has worked through the little activities of CBT (for example) is appreciated... i know i wasn't after round one...

we will see... i said i hadn't heard of it to my t last week... and i said i'd google it... he said that i could ask him whatever i wanted because we were in this together and he talked a bit about empathy etc. but i wanted to read... we will see what he thinks this week, i guess. if he asks... i feel a lot better with some sense of what he is up to. some people would say that i'm not trusting enough with respect to just trusting him to have the process under control. to me... figuring this out is part of my taking an active role in therapy. i figure we will get on better and understand each other more if we have the process in common. i tried to cure myself reading linehan already and what i learned is that it doesn't work that way. i need someone to travel with me. i need to be a willing participant, however, and i can't do that if i don't know what the plans are.

he isn't a kook, the empathy is for a reason.

last session...

i kinda know better... maybe it was a test (cringe) but... i KNOW they are parts of me. but at the same time I DON'T LIKE THEM AND I WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY. i can assent to 'they are parts of me. i understand that'. and rationally: I DO understand that. But then i wish they would go away :-( It was getting near the end of the session and I was saying 'I wish they would go away'. I didn't get a response. I said it again. I didn't get a response. I said it again. Repeat a couple times.

Eventually... He said:

'We are getting near the end of the session so I don't have time to respond to that properly'

I said:

'You don't have to say anything. I was just expressing myself'. In a tone... I was pissed and defensive.

Optimal frustration, I guess. I felt embarrased :-( I think I blushed a little after seeing his reaction to that... I experienced it as a rejection. Time is drawing near and t only gives empathy on schedule.

What did I expect him to say?

'Yeah that must be hard for you, to have to try and deal with them' or something like that.

He didn't. So I retreated.

So he came in with a reality check.

It is making sense to me now. The process. I need it to make sense to me.

And... It is starting to :-)

I hope he sees this as a good thing. If the process can't be transparent (if he doesn't appreciate my trying to understand it) then he isn't suited to me after all... I'm sure he will come through on this... Not that I don't expect him to be surprised... Yay for my inner narcissist... I'll try not to beat myself up too much ;-)