I'm freaking out.

A few days ago, with a single, clean slash of my survival knife I scarred my face.

It was awful and truly unexpected.

Having been recently dumped by "the One" - yes, I am mocking myself, big time - on that day I received a final, rather brutal blow from him, one that smashed the last remains of the wreck I am into smithereens.

I went into a rage of verbally abusing him and physically abusing myself. All hail to bpd.

I went into a self harming frenzy - if such thing exists at all. I cut my lower arm, multiple times as I do regularly but it just wasn't enough any more. I felt I must be punished extremely hard for I truly am worthless. It is so terrible but I genuinely feel that since I wasn't good enough for him, I really am an abomination and must be punished.

So I cut my face.

In all honesty, I had little or no control over it at all. Something inside me insisted that now that I am dismissed in such an awful way, everyone should see what a second rate, discarded rubbish I am. That I may not have any means of concealing the marks of my shame and terrible inadequacy, like I can conceal the scars and cuts on my wrist and lower arm.

I cannot hush the aggressive, urges to cut my face again, deep, so that everyone can see who I really am.

I am truly, truly scared and just don't know what to do.

Edda