I truly miss the razor blade moving across my thigh. I really do.
What hurts me the most right now is that it's been 7-8 weeks and that I shouldn't still feel the need inside of me. In the deepest throes of my depression, it's there, and I can't do anything about it.
I have all of these bottles up emotions - shame, anger, sadness, pain - that I need to bleed out, but am currently unable to do so.
One of the worst things besides the urges are the scars. They're not very noticeable, but I can see them, bright as day, mocking me. "You can't do anything, haha! You can't make yourself feel better!"
Crying isn't working as well as it used to, so I'm picking at my skin and chewing my nails almost constantly in an effort to feel that sweet relief. It's barely working.
All I can do not is sit, busy my mind, and fight the insistent want which is almost a need and make it to my 9th week.