i think everyone gets a bit jealous of someone for whatever reason

but i tend to be jealous of EVERYONE. there isn't anyone in the world who i've come across who i am not jealous of for some reason or another. i dont perceive myself as having many great qualities. i'm not particularly good at anything and the things i am fairly good at, i dont feel i'm good enough at. i'm not amazing at anything. that's what i want. i want to be amazing at something. i dont like the idea of being mediocre, but i am.

i look at people and think "wow, why cant i do/have/be that" - will i be accepted, liked, wanted more if i do? why am i seeking for those things? because i dont accept, like or want myself. probably. i guess it wont really matter until i accept, like and want myself, but how do i get to that point? i've tried many roads to get here (therapy, redirecting my mind, spending more time in nature, meditating, a slew of other things i'm sure), but it always comes back to where it is. i have these times where i'm like "yeah! let's do this. i'm awesome! i matter" but then...i lose it again.

i dont want to be jealous of the accomplishments of others...i want to be inspired by them. but then, i'm still comparing myself to those other people because what if i dont do it as well as they do?

my mind just keeps going in circles.