Over the past 12 months, I've been working really hard to stop cutting, to stop feeling that terrible yearning to disappear from this world, and to improve my self esteem.

I have not cut since January.

I'm better.... right?

But now that I don't have those extreme downs.......... I don't feel many emotions....... and I kinda wish I was still bad because I don't have anything to aim towards anymore..... and I still want to cut but I promised and I wouldn't dare break it cause I made it to the person i love and value the most.

Is it because I liked being like that? Am i seeking attention? I don't know what to think................ i feel kinda empty now.........