It's 5:45 in the morning again and I'm still waiting to fall asleep. The problem is that whenever I try, I think about how dependant I am on other people and the internet because I can't seem to stabilize myself. I realize how much of an empty person I am and I just wallow in self hatred all night and revisit every single thing that happened to me as a kid and try to figure out what is wrong with my parents or me.

The weird thing is that I'm actually not having as many sui thoughts/urges anymore. They certainly aren't gone completely, but they certainly have been starting to fade as I get closer and closer to getting out of here. Surviving this mess and coming out on the other side is starting to become more than just this abstract idea in the far off future. Hell, I'm seeing my T in two weeks from today and I'm trying to see if I can make it without self harming again before then. I'm not sure I can make it, but at least I'm trying again.

And yet I can't fall asleep at night. I just lie awake, wishing my mom aborted me like she told me she wishes she did.