I am so sorry you're in a dark place right now. That could of been me you were writing about...I felt everything you described and guess others here will too.

I doubt there is anything I can say right now to make you feel better, but you will just that, feel better, but first you need to start looking at the good in yourself, if only something small, write it down. This illness is so very much self destructing and right now you are in ultra self destruct mode.

Do you have a T or someone you can reach out to?

And pls remember, this isn't your fault, none of this is your fault, if you knew differently you would do and act differently and the point is you, and I and others, so much want to change. It all takes time though. Little by little we will get there. Sadly these dark things will plague us but hang onto the hope things will get better....

Keep posting if you need to