I'm fully intending on letting people talk me out of it. I can also intellectually understand that I probably won't feel this way in a few weeks anyway. That's why I'm not doing it tonight or tomorrow or even this year. I know I can't just do something that permeant when I haven't even lived life away from my parents. I owe it to myself and my friends and I guess you people on here to at least experience life without them before deciding to stop living altogether.

But my sui thoughts have been diminishing because I have made a decision about them. I feel so guilty for intending to do actually do this and yet so excited for the day I do. I also feel guilty for being excited about committing suicide

I want to stress again that I don't know if I actually will though. I probably actually won't to be honest. Five years is a long way away and my 20 year old brain right now in this condition probably doesn't actually understand a lot about the world and the concept of hope. I can admit that. I definitely do want other possibilities.