I hate who I am.
Nothing but a complainer, a needy clinger, someone who has lost the ability to stand on her own. A nuisance, a b***ch, and other things I can't mention. Just saying that makes me hate myself because I don't want to appear that way to others. I want to be strong, stand on my own. I don't know how and no one will help me get there. I was independent, I could cope, and the door was slammed shut with me clawing for a way out.

Funny thing, most people in real life think I'm normal. Don't see the pain. They are all fooled, which is part of my demise. No one will help me. When my emotions burst to the surface I am "having a bad day" or "going through a phase". They don't see the inner turmoil that never dies. The constant changing of my emotions. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I've learned to be honest; I tell people how I am, usually to get a "I'll be around no matter what", or an "I'm your friend and will not hurt you" to always have it happen again and again. An endless cycle of pain. I become hooked and cling and suddenly find myself grappling for the air, drowning, running out of breath. Broken promises. Broken dreams....and I did it to myself. No one's fault but mine.

I hate being ignored. It is the ultimate punishment. "I won't ignore you" I'm told time and again, until it happens, again and again. Ignoring=the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Just stab me and get it over with. Don't torture me through ignoring. Nothing is worse.

I have no social skills, do not know how to act around people, am socially unacceptable in thought and action. I am trying. I never learned better. I can't learn out of thin air. No one will help me. I no longer know how to help myself. I do not want pity. I want to be shown the way. I want someone to hold my hand, tell me it's okay, help me stand on my own until I possess the strength to once again try to stand and walk on my own again.

I want to help people, but my help is always misguided. I say the wrong thing. I inadvertently hurt people. I offer unwanted, even despised advise. I try to buy people's friendships with money, gifts, being willing to do anything for them. They take what they want, what I allow them to take, which is all that i am, and leave. Always the same result. I've done it my whole life. They don't see my desperation or they do and leave because of it.

I am working nonstop. I am stir crazy, nothing to do but think, and dwell, and allow my emotions to build up. To boil over. I'm looking desperately for work but it doesn't matter. Rejection after rejection. I can sell myself on paper, be the chameleon and blend in once hired, but no one will hire me. I get choked up. I can't talk to people. I was programmed not to. "Don't tell anyone your personal problems." "You're taking on the phone too much; let's put a stop to that." I didn't know my own phone number for two or three years. How dare I try to make friends? How can I learn if not given a chance? I've been reclusive for a year. How can I suddenly show something that eeked away over a year at home and largely alone? With my reclusiveness went any pride and self confidence I had. I am only a shell of who I was before and getting worse all the time.

I moved 2,600 miles from home one year today, all due to my impulsiveness and extreme fear of abandonment and clinginess. Now I must live with that decision the rest of my life. Away from my girls and the only job I truly enjoyed in my adult life.

All I want is a friend, but all I do is destroy friendships. I smother people. They can't take me; I can't take myself. I am destroying myself. I am in crisis.

I want to ask for help, but who am I fooling? No one will help a fool, a charlatan, a pretender, a clinger, a constantly needy person. I don't want to be needy. I don't. I don't know how to stop.

I do not hold grudges. I do not seek revenge. I may have at one time, but I've been broken too many times. Now I am paranoid to the end, forever expecting the worse. Just waiting to be told how horrible I am by those I cling to. I am grasping for air and they are suffocating me. Drowning me. I deserve to be drowned. I am an old horse lying in a pasture, no good to anyone including, especially myself. I just wish someone would shoot me already. I'm never going to amount to anything. I am ready to die.