What you don't deserve is to be feeling the way you do. I can understand why you might find calling your therapist might be awkward, but if you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to tell someone. If calling your therapist is too personal, try one of the suicide hotlines. They won't know who you are, and you will be free to say what you want without fear of having to face the person later.

It sounds like you might be safer staying at your parents house right now then being alone in an apartment. Is there a reason why you haven't told your parents about the way you feel? I know it can be difficult, but sometimes just the act of telling them slows down the urges. Besides, if they know, they can be there for you. They have probably already noticed there is something wrong, but may be feeling like they are butting in by asking you about it.

Because our minds can change so quickly, you should take any thoughts of suicide seriously. Even if you think your attempts didn't do any serious damage, it doesn't take much to tip you over the edge. One of my most serious brushes with death by suicide happened in a matter of a couple of minutes. I didn't plan it and wasn't consciously thinking about it at that moment, but the end results have left me with an irregular heart beat for life.

Be honest with your therapist and Dr. They can't help you effectively if you aren't. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is no different than physical illness except that its less tangible.

Sam2