Quote:
Originally Posted by PeeJay
To Growlithing, the survivor,
I was lucky to have loving parents but they died when I was young. I ended up living with a family that resented me and was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. They were also neglectful, refusing to get me help for a broken bone, not allowing me to bathe regularly, and other weird horrible things that I'm now in therapy about.
I was stuck in that house and dependent upon them until I was an adult.
I got a partial scholarship to university and moved out at age 18.
It was hard to be on my own financially but I needed to be for my own spirit to thrive.
My life has been wonderful. I've paid my own way and I've earned everything I have. I made wonderful friends and mentors and professors who helped me along the way. I've relied upon others to be my chosen family.
I can tell by reading your posts here that you connect with people and that you can love deeply and that you are passionate.
You have good times ahead -- laughter and love, travel and adventures! I've worked very hard to provide for myself and it has allowed me to see the world and to have an emotionally rewarding life.
It's not easy starting out at zero, or even negative 10, but you can do it. One thing I told myself in college was, "I am starting out at negative 10. People with good families are at zero. That means that I will work twice as hard and when we all graduate, they will be at five and I will have just made it to zero."
It's only now that I'm starting to have some self-compassion for what I went through and how hard I had to work to climb out of the emotional and financial deficit that I started with.
I also learned that nothing is ever free. Accepting money from family came with a heavy, heavy price. It is one that I'm not willing to pay because my freedom is worth so much more.
I'm in my 30s now with a good career, loving husband and a sweet child, whom I adore and whom I shower with snuggles and kisses.
It wasn't always easy and I still struggle. But it has been worth it and I feel like I can be a light to others - as you will be - because I have known pain.
You're gonna scale some mountaintop - literal or figurative - and breathe in deep and inner joy and know that you survived. I hope you have many moments like that.
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I’m sorry you went through that. That sounds so horrible. I’m also glad that your life turned out for the best. However, that doesn’t mean that mine will. I hate the phrase “it gets better” because the reality of the situation is that things don’t always get better. There are so many other horrible things that happen to people in life I haven’t experienced but could experience. If I managed to ever get a guy to like me back, it’s pretty likely it would be a horribly abusive relationship anyway. There’d have to be a reason that he would settle like that. There are so many possible outcomes for my life that I can’t just trust that my life will follow the same pattern as yours. However, life will get better for me though because it either will get better or I’ll just end it in five years. I don’t even particularly care what happens in regards to that right now. I wish I could know with 100% certainty how much worse my life will go so I don’t have to wait five years before finally breaking free of this.
I've lost nearly all of my hope for a happy life. I think that is abundantly apparent from my posts. I still have a tiny piece of it left and that is what will make me hold on for 12 more days. I am really worried that once I get back, I will need a lot of psych help for several weeks and that it will interfere with school. I think we can already tell right now that I'm going to be a piece of work for my T.
For me, those thoughts usually just slip away naturally when I am back in orchestra again because my life has meaning and value again. I will talk to my T about it regardless because the level of commitment and contentment I feel with this is high enough that I’m not sure I can just bank on it fading away on its own.