I am really low on myself now since at least april.I am 32 years old fell for my 15 going to be 16 year old step sister.I have known her in since 2006 when she was 8.I always knew that I was ugly or weird or something and I hold everything in.I try to cry but I wont let myself do it because I dont want to give in.I hate myself for thinking this way and I have thoughts of killing myself.I counted out 20 pills to see what it looked like.I dont think I would actually do it since I am scared of dying.I have anxiety issued I have never had a girl friend ever and I currently do not have a friend for at least 12 years now.I don't go anywhere but my house and I live with my parents.I have no job so live with my mom and step dad.I hate living and I dont think I deserve to be here.I don't know how to deal with the whole loving my step sister cause the last time a liked someone been 12 years.I weigh 310 and trying to lose weight.I walk on the treadmill and use the total gym and I just started lifting weight and stuff and really feels tight in my arms.I just frustrated that I can't lose weight fast enough so that maybe I can feel better about self if I can just lost weight and like what i see in the mirror.I have pretty much alway had self esteem issues.I was picked on in middle school high school and military school.Mostly they made fun of me for being ugly and having gator teeth.