My doctor’s appointment today was also nearly a disaster. I know this will sound risky and unwise, but my doctor’s here don’t know anything about my mental health issues. I’ve completely covered up and lied about it to avoid my mom finding out about it. They know about my ADHD and that I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation two years ago, but beyond that they think I have completely recovered in that regard. Well, I had to get a shot today and they almost found a bunch of my SI scars… I managed to get them to give me the shot at another location but that was terrifying. I don’t think that would be completely surprising to my doctors because I imagine it wouldn’t be uncommon for girls my age with a weight issue like mine to have issues with SI but my mom was in the room and that was horrible.

I also don’t even feel like my lack of hope is illogical. I know FKM said that I probably have some sort of depressive disorder which could account for my inability to see that things probably will get better, but I really don’t believe they will. I mean, just consider my progress with my weight. I’ve lost a LOT of weight. I’ve lost as much weight as many women at a very healthy weight or even slightly overweight if they are short weigh. I’ve been very successful in that respect, and yet my body image hasn’t improved at all. If anything, it might have gotten worse because when I was at peak weight, I could always just say “well, I’m ugly because I’m so fat. If I lose the weight, I’ll be attractive”. Now I can’t say that as much anymore. This is just kinda how I’m going to end up looking. I’m still disgusting and I still get triggered to SI every time I look in a mirror. I’ve never once felt beautiful or attractive or desirable even for just a few minutes and I doubt I ever will at this point. I hate myself as much as I did when I made the decision to lose the weight and next year when I am a healthy weight, I’ll probably still feel the same way.