So, T wants to "unburden" me. She wants me to go into the deep roots of my past and explore the part of me that's done some awful things. There are two things that are so secretive I swore i'd die with them, but they really are hindering me from progress. She thinks that sharing will be good for me, if for nothing but to get a different perspective and some comfort/support.

I know I can't verbally tell her. I can't get the words to come out of my mouth. The thought of it makes me nauseated and light headed, with a touch of antsy. And I know i'm just not ready to tackle this subject. I honestly think whenever we do tackle it, i'm going to need to double book those hours because one hour is NOT going to be enough if i plan to walk out of that room stable.

So, I've written her a letter (I actually stopped for now but its already five full pages and I had to take a mental health break). Telling her everything. And I want her to have it (I really dont even feel safe with it being on my computer). But I don't know when the right time is...

• Should I give it to her in session and tell her not to open it until I leave?
• Should I just email it to her now?
• Should I email it to her and tell her not to open it until she had the results from the personality inventory test, so she can better understand why I did what I did?
• Should I give it to her and tell her to read it whenever she wants but tell her I am NOT ready to talk about it, and probably wont be anytime soon?
• Should I just hold on to it, and let her know that i'll give it to her when I feel the time is right?
• Should I not tell her about it, and just give it to her when I see fit?

I see impending problems with all of these. Or should I just tell her the dilemma and ask her when the best time to give it to her is?

I mean, really, there is plenty of other things we could be talking about for now, more recent, less traumatic things...