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tealBumblebee · Aug 21, 2013, 06:27 PM

Thanks for the advice guys; these are all some very good questions I had to ask myself. And actually think about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Piraeus

... Do you trust her with the information?...

You know, up until this point, every post i've made pretty much says "My T is awesome. I love her to death! I am so glad that i've learned to trust her!"...but when you asked me this question, I found myself wondering, "...well, can I actually trust her for real?" I feel like this is my negative voice and not hers talking though. Because if I trust her for "everything but this" then thats not really trust is it..?

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

...I also hear some hesitation to broach the subject. If you are not ready to revela your secrets then maybe now is not the time. You have kept them for so long, why rush now? Only you know when you are ready, not t. Maybe writing the letter will help you process how you feel about the events now and help clarify if you are really ready to let them free? if you write the letter you don't even have to give it to t...

Thank you for the hugs and kind words Monalisa. I feel like if I write a letter for T, and know i'm likely not going to give it to her, I won't write it with complete honesty. Because it will be for myself, and I already know all the details. But you do have a good point. Why rush now? The answer is, I don't know. I took the time to write the first five pages of the letter because I felt like I was strong enough to do it. I did cry, but nothing like I know I will if I take the time to actually think about and work through it. And you might be right, maybe T doesn't know when the right time is...she's not pushing it, but I can tell she knows it needs to be done. I've run from these things for close to ten years now...its much easier to run from then to confront them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Syra

...Which choice makes you most anxious? Which choice feels the least risky to you? Why do you want to do this? Is it to please her? or because you agree with her? or because you want to unburden yourself? or?...

The one that makes me most anxious is emailing it to her now (or whenever i'm done writing it) because I can't offer her any kind of explanations. But if she reads it in front of me, her reaction will be the sole determination in my response from there, and thats not a fair position to put her in. So i kind of feel like I should at least give her the chance to read it and process it without me staring her in the face. I think part of it is to please T. But its not because I think she's so awesome (which I do by the way), but also because things i've taken the risk and told her, she reacted not only better than I imagined but in a way impossible for me to have imagined. She handles things so poetically that I haven't truly ever been able to hundred percent guarantee her response - but its always positive. And it always makes me feel better. I don't feel she usually solves any problems, but she does make me feel better about them. And I feel like I should tell her or else thats proof to myself that I don't want to get better. I think I would like to wait until I get the test results back (probably 2 wks from now) because its so many conversations happening at once. But I also don't want her to have the results back and use that diagnoses to come up with an excuse for my actions either. I was completely competent when doing them. I feel like the results of the test are going to change things (one because she always says its will tell her which way to go to help me, although I think whatever way shes going now is perfect). So maybe I should tell her before the test? I just don't know...

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I would tell her I had written five pages but I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. And therefore I wouldn't give it to her either. She might have an opinion or a suggestion, but I would hope that she will be OK with that.

Yeah, I want to tell her i've started it, but I hate to lead her on. A lot of times I will hint something but then I feel guilty and have to make myself just blurt out whatever it is because why bring it up if i'm not going to talk about it? I do think she'd be okay with any decision I made, I feel like she allows me to make whatever choices I feel are best for me in my own time. But I also fear that 1) my own time will be never or 2) she will get to a stand still in figuring out how to "fix" me because she won't have all the pieces to the puzzle...