My p-doc is giving priority to treating the PTSD over the ADHD. I have not been tolerating PTSD meds well and it has been difficult finding the right or best one.

Sadly, as I have gotten older, I have had to give up my athletic hobbies due to chronic injuries. I do some biking and a lot of walking. Getting a steady job would help me with hobbies because then I'd have spending money.

I used to go to the LGBT Center a lot. No more. Too many enemies there. I used to go to 12-step CoDA meetings. Wrong place to try to make friends even though that is one of the goals of the program.

My dad died before I came out thought it was obvious that I was gay at a young age. Maybe that's why he didn't bother much with me and my brothers. Mom was a much bigger problem. She ruins everything she touches and has poor values. She will never change. I pay her a lot of lip service. There is really no relationship there.

There are several physical problems that inhibit me from sexual activity. So, now, sex has become more unappealing. Also, I think that sex is something that I will never really be good at. T's have suggested that I just practice masturbation in relationships. But, that does not really sound like a loving physical relationship.

My longing for a cure is really burnout from trying to be successfully gay for so long. I have been treated horribly both within and outside of the gay community. One of the real problems is that T's find so little to work with in my personality. I'd have to relearn everything and I cannot just be another person. I have gotten awful advice from T's, e.g., "pretend as if." In other words, I should lie to people about who I am. When you're looking for essential acceptance, seeking acceptance by pretending does not work. I have lost total faith in therapy (and also religion). There is no unconditional parental love or sound advice to fall back on. T's don't know how to talk to me and I don't understand what they are talking about to put it into practice. When I have discussed with MD's that if I wanted to make any progress at all in therapy that I would have to be a lifer. They saw no problem with that but, frankly, I was horrified. At this point in my life, no T promises results. And, usually, there are none.