I’m being ridiculous. Sure, I can say that I’m not actively suicidal because I’m not planning on doing anything in the short term future, but I can’t say that I’m not having sui thoughts. This is like when I was writing suicide notes in May and called them a “creative writing” exercise. That was a load of crap, I was having sui thoughts really bad. I’m doing the same thing now. I can’t say that I’m not having sui thoughts when the level of detail about this hypothetical suicide in my journal clearly states otherwise. I’m just lying to myself and everyone else about what is going on.

This is why I can’t stop cutting. I’m using it to stay alive. I tried to stop I think 5-6 days ago… to be honest I stopped keeping track of days because I hardly care. I wanted to be able to tell my T that I have some semblance of self-control, but after I 5 days max, I couldn’t do it. I got consumed with these thoughts fairly quickly and now that I relapsed, they’ve diminished. I’m not sure if I want to die or not, but I know that I always want to hurt myself for whatever reason. I don’t know why I am so stupid to want to do that all the time.