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Old Aug 22, 2013, 02:45 AM
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growlithing growlithing is offline
Magnate
 
Member Since: May 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,608
I'm sorry I'm still posting.

I am so ashamed just thinking about telling my T about all of this. She's going to be so disappointed and sad. I can almost already see the look on her face and the fear/sadness in her eyes and I don't know if I can do that to her. Not looking at her won't help because it won't change her reaction to it. And I know this is going to upset her. All the time in my sessions, I'll be talking about things half as heavy as this and I look at her seriously struggling to hold back tears. The fact that most of it will be written down will make it harder because I'm so much more intense on paper than in speech.

I don't know if I want to tell her how much I've been anticipating her reaction to me and how I sometimes get slightly overwhelmed by her responses to me. But I don't want her to change. I really like that she's really easy to read and basically terrible at hiding her emotions even if it does sometimes make me feel a little funny. It makes her human to me and helps me believe that she really does care. I don't think I'd be able to trust her at all if she wasn't so easy to read.

But this makes things interesting because I know she's going to react to my attempt in either a fearful or sad way and I don't want to do that to her and simultaneously want to know how she honestly responds to me and idk. I don't think I can let her see the stuff I wrote in my journal. It's so dark it scares me even in the mental condition I'm currently in.
Hugs from:
growlycat
Thanks for this!
Bill3