Hey guys, Just wondering if you could help shed some light on things - bit of an essay - sorry!!

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 19 (Im 23 now), and I havent been in therapy for a couple of years, its felt quite manageable until the beginning of this year.

However, recently I have developed a sneaking suspicion that I might also be BP.

When I was 20 I went through a major depressive episode, I ended up being violently agressive towards my partner and others, taking drugs, overdosing on whatever I could find and SIing. It got that bad that my partner eventually split with me and I wanted to die. I had to be watched over 24/7 so I didnt OD. I was put on fluoxetine to control the depression about a month or two before.

A week later I woke up one morning and I was on top of the world. I started reading the bible religiously and believing in God (everyone thought I was having another breakdown - In NO WAY am I religious!!). I had an undescribable violent feeling of life inside me, sometimes the euphoria was so intense just breathing in the air made me cry with happiness. All of a sudden I wanted a baby so bad, it was all I could think about (again, I was in no way maternal either, and id just started uni). Me and my partner got back together, we started trying for a baby and a few months later I convinced him to buy a house for us.

This carried on for a full year - I was the most positive, bubbly talkative and excited person, a total contradiction to the usual shy me. I thought it was the meds kicking in, but looking back (due to a recent GP session) aparently I stopped taking the meds a few weeks after this happened, I stopped SI'ing all of a sudden (after struggling with it since I was 12) and I voluntarily quit therapy. I had no depressive episodes at all in this year, I was just up. A few months in to the 'up year' I remember not being able to switch off at night, I stayed awake watching horror movies until about 3-4am every night which carried on for months.

I eventually got pregnant whilst carrying on studying and mood swings were up and down due to hormones and the birth of my daughter. I came down, felt normal for about a year, no highs, just stable.

After being fine for a while, this year has been shaken up again. Me and my partner started having problems and one day I realised I was really low again - I started to hate him with a passion, causing problems in our relationship. I had another depressive episode.

Then one day, a week or two I went 'up' again, big time. I loved life again, up the the point where I started to disconnect from reality, nothing seemed real around me. I split up with my partner -my hurt from the split was non existant. Id been with him for almost 6 years - all of a sudden i felt nothing for him. I planned to move miles away with my daughter, I managed off hardly any sleep, some nights I would go for a 2-3 day stint without any at all. I worked really hard, revising and mum duties almost 24/7... then it got bad. My sex drive went through the roof, up to the point where I couldnt function in my revision or other daily activities. It was like no matter how much I had sex - I could satisfy this intense urge. It was hoprrible! I started messaging other guys, going out and getting drunk desperate to get with others - even though I was still living in the family home and he wanted to try and make it work. When my exams came around, I just wanted to ruin them even though id been working hard at them for years - going out getting drunk again even though I had an exam a day or two later. I totally ****ed my exams up - i could not focus on my writing, and almost got up and left in the middle of one just for the fun of it. again, totally out of character - i ususally take my studies seriously. I stopped caring about the important things. This lasted about a month.

I had a period of normality for about two or three weeks, Then I crashed again. Another major depressive episode. I couldnt get out of bed - i was constantly napping throughout the day - stopped seeing my friends and stopped socialising. I went to see my GP - he put me on the waiting list to go back to see a pdoc. This lasted about a week and a half.

Then I was up again which lasted about a week (anxiety, rather than being 'high', however i did have heaps of energy and felt positive about life)- I went about 2 days without sleep, ironing at 4am (I never iron!!) I didnt need naps and if i tried to nap I couldnt switch off. When I did sleep, I was up and awake until 2am then wide awake again at 5. I had urges to do silly **** like stand in my underwear at midnight in my garden in a thunderstorm. My anxiety was so bad started disconnecting from reality again. I was constantly taking freezing cold showers to try and snap out of it. I started running every single night to get all my energy out, even though i hardly ate anything. I relapsed with my SI after 3 years of being fine with it. I convinced myself that it was a good idea, i felt good with it. I started getting bad paranoia, thinking all my family and friends were out to get me, even though i knew in reality that it wasnt real.

This week, I have felt totally stable. No depression, no anxiety or hyperactivity. i feel totally fine!!

what the hell is going on? Ive always agreed with my BPD diagnosis - i have bad rejection issues etc. But recently I just cant make sense of my unstable moods. I know that BP and BPD sometimes go hand in hand.

Sorry for the essay guys - i do have a telephone assessment with the pdoc next week to see what kind of treatment they want to give me, but I just wanted to get opinions of people who have daily experience of this!

Thank you for your time