I really need help! I'm considering canceling my apt tomorrow & I don't want to but I don't know what else to do.
I have an extremely difficult time articulating my most personal thoughts & emotions in session. Yes, I have significant trust issues. Go figure. A few months ago, my T asked me how I would feel about sharing some of my private writings with her. My initial reaction was NO WAY, but I realized that its my therapy and I'm wasting my time if I can't open up to her about some of my deeper issues. I struggled for weeks trying to come to terms with sharing what I write and even tried re-reading portions to myself in session with the hopes of then verbalizing those thoughts, but I still couldn't do it. I realized I'd have to give in if I wanted my therapy to progress. I set up an email with the purpose of giving her access to writing entries I sent for her. This was about a month ago. She has logged into the account, but hasn't opened the emails. I see her twice a week (Mon & Fri; yes, I am that messed up), and I set everything thing up after a Mon apt and texted her the account info. On Fri, she said she hadn't been able to read anything yet but would do so over the weekend. She didn't. She never even mentioned it on Monday. I've waited 3 more sessions and still nothing. Monday, I was so upset she had t read them, I was filled with attitude and was quite a "smart-***" in session. She spent the hour trying to get me to tell her why I was so upset, which only made me more angry. Eventually, I stormed out and upon exiting, I told her I was irritated at her.
Now, not only am I upset because she didn't read my entries (she still hasn't), but I'm also upset for my behavior during session & storming out the way I did. I didn't want her to know I even cared that she didn't read them, let alone that I was angry about it. Also, what was the point of getting me to give in if she doesn't care about them anyway? How am I ever going to be able to open up to her now? How can I go back in there & forget Mondays outburst?
Please help!!!! I should probably just cancel!!!!