Ok, I really need some help/advice right now. I hope it's ok I'm starting yet another thread even though I've already started a few (and I've only been here for a few days). I feel like perhaps I'm annoying, which worries me. I just really need support nowadays (support I don't get from people "in real life"). Also, I hate the fact that I'm so insecure I feel like I need to apologise for writing and that I feel like I need to explain myself. Anyway, I need to vent and I appreciate all the help I can get. Sorry in advance for the wall of text.

About two hours ago I got home from my fourth therapy session (I've had one single session and three double sessions so far) and I seriously don't know what to do with myself right now. I don't feel well at all. I feel very low, confused and frustrated. There's this incredibly uncomfortable and almost painful feeling in my chest/pit of my stomach and I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own mind. Every thought entering my mind turns into anxiety and deeper depression.

You know, I'm not sure what I expected from therapy but right now I don't see how it's ever going to make me better. I don't want to give up and I'm not planning on doing so but I don't see how CBT is going to help. I understand the concept behind it. I find it pretty logical and I know that I need to work on things, but we've had four sessions (or seven if you count a double session as two sessions) and we've gotten nowhere. My therapist (who is really nice by the way) keeps repeating the same things. He keeps telling me how CBT works and how I should try certain things in order to lower my anxiety level. I tell him something that makes me anxious, he asks what my thoughts are, tries to identify the thought pattern and then he usually says something like "What's the worst than can happen? Yeah, perhaps you should avoid this thing you fear. Perhaps the worst will happen but I don't think it will and I don't think you should avoid the situation. I think you should just do it" etc.

Like I said, I don't know what I expected from therapy but I think I sort of thought that I'd get to just talk about things before starting to work on them. I thought I'd get some help making sense of things and understanding why things are the way they are. I thought perhaps someone would want to just listen to me for once and to understand me. Now I feel like my therapist is sort of belittling my problems though he's told me several times that "I don't mean to be disrespectful to you and I don't want to make you angry but I don't really think it's good to respect the way your anxiety makes you think. We need to rattle things up a little bit."

We also talked a bit about compulsions today. My therapist says he thinks I clearly have OCD though mine is based on the compulsions themselves rather than obsessions. By that I mean that I don't really have "classic" OCD intrusive thoughts. I carry out compulsions because I feel the urge to do so and if I don't do it things feel wrong or uneven (but I don't get super anxious). During the session my therapist asked me about some of the compulsions and then he asked me if I wanted to get rid of them. I couldn't answer that question. I just sat there silently. Is it wrong/weird to say that I in a strange sort of way sometimes (not always) like my compulsions? They make me feel safe and it's like they're a part of my personality. A part of who I am. Feeling like that "stirs up" my very irrational fear of maybe being some kind of pathological liar. What if I lie about my mental illness? What if I exaggerate things? What if I imagine things? What if I'm actually healthy but I've managed to lie to myself and the professionals so now we all think I'm mentally ill?

Now I'm sitting here and I feel like I want to cry (and I'm not really a cryer). I want to punch things. I want to scream. I want to pace around in my room. I want to hit my head. I want to hide in my bed. I want to go to sleep so this day can just end. I can't really deal with my life on my own anymore so I really need my therapist to help me. But I need him to help me and not just get rid of my symptoms (not sure if that makes sense).

I'm not even sure what I've written is coherent enough to understand and once again I'm sorry for this being so long. I just don't know what to do anymore. Even posting this makes me anxious.