I really wish I could get my life under control because I really need to practice but I've been feeling so bad emotionally that even that is a chore to me. The fact that literally nothing is making me happy is probably contributing to me still feeling the same about ending my life in five year. I don't know if I would feel the same way about that if I were still able to enjoy practicing like normal. I just sound so bad to me all the time and I don't know if it is the room I'm in, if I need to replace some corks, or it is just me being upset about everything. It's just so hard to get myself to do anything besides lie in my bed and wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up again. Nothing excites me, nothing feels good, nothing feels right. I can't even cry anymore.