My depression seems to be getting stronger than my BPD lately. I find myself wanting to sleep constantly - just stay asleep and not face anything or anyone. I'm isolating myself - cancelling plans left and right, missing work, etc. Even when I force myself to keep plans with my friends, I feel strange - like I'm spending the whole time I'm with them detaching - not exactly saying goodbye but that's as close as I can come to describing it. I've been thinking about what I would put in my note if I were to write one, how I would try to make sure everyone understood that it is not their fault and that nothing they could have done would have changed things. To be clear, I have no active plan to do anything. Quite frankly it seems like it would take too much energy - it's just easier for me to go back to sleep.

I have a friend who is a t and he thinks I need to go on meds immediately to alleviate some of the depression issues. He's very pushy about this and is having a hard time taking no for answer. I brought it up with my t and he said meds are not altogether a bad idea, although he was quick to point out that they will not change the fact that I have to choose to work through this.

What I'm struggling to tell my t is that I am afraid to have any meds of any kind in the house. Both times I was involuntarily hospitalized, I ODed. I didn't have an active plan either of those times either - I just wanted to sleep and kept taking pills until I did. There's something irresistibly appealing to me about forcing myself to sleep by any means necessary because I'm not hurting so much when I'm unconscious to the world.

Not sure what to do here. Meds could actually help pull me out of the downward spiral I've been in, could alleviate the worst of the depression symptoms and set me on a healthier path where I feel like I have more choices. But I do not trust myself with meds in the house and going to the hospital is not an option - I would lose my job and that would probably send me right back down the spiral.