I don't know. Hypomania has always been odd to me. Like I have it, yet I don't at the same time. I have the irritability, the slight high, the faster-than-normal things, the motivation, the energy...but I'm terrified.
Terrified that I am faking it subconsciously. I know that's difficult to do, but it's not the first time that's been suggested to me by my parents.
I don't know anymore. I tried explaining to my counselor but I felt like...well, ****. Like I was trying to explain it in the worst possible way that sounded completely off and fake and I couldn't think AT ALL.
Oh good god...this hurts. Not a superficial pain, but a pain that is deep inside of my damned soul and I am not having fun.
I wish that I didn't feel this way and that I could only have depression, like I did that first year before a hypomanic episode, depression is so much easier to treat and now I'm not even paying attention to punctuation which I never do because I feel worthless if I do it-
I'm done.
I am so, so sorry if this is a downer, but I need to start getting these feelings out rather than bottling them up inside like I usually do. That whole "keep it inside and never let it out unless you're alone" shtick never did me any good. It only contributed to everything.