Man so many bad things happen to me/my family, i'm starting to feel like its not bad luck anymore, im just a curse. For every good thing that happens, 10 bad things happen. The bills are pilling up (they already shut the cable off), my car has broken down yet again, even more tension in my marriage, no friends to talk to and the one that stuck around is so depressed that i dont know what to do, i just feel kind of worthless. Like my husband works 2 jobs and i work one that doesnt pay crap and we have absoloutly nothing to show for it. We cant even get our bills straightened out. Anemia is getting to me, and of course this stupid low self esteem and body image is blinding. I used to write and play bass and i just cant get my thoughts together to do it anymore. it's like i've lost everything. I came home to get some things and just exploded on my husband. I've never gotten to angry, so loud, so upset. I did grab a knife, but he stopped me. I haven't cut for at least a year, but i keep thinking of it, like i long to do it, and it takes everything in me to not give in. i dunno, im just rambling on, my thoughts arent together. just wondering if you guys know this feeling/have felt it.

*~in my field of paper flowers, candy clouds a lullaby, i lie inside myself for hours, and watch my purple sky fly over me~*