It's significantly less courageous when you remember that I drugged myself up again and I always get more talkative. Not nearly as open as I get on ativan good lord. I would have never posted about my attempt if it wasn't for that.

Growlycat is probably completely right. I was told from as long as I can remember that my parents wanted a boy. My dad wanted a boy and they thought I would be one because I was "obnoxious during my ultrasound" to quote my mom.

ADHD normally presents differently in girls and boys... that wasn't the case for me. I was that kid constantly disrupting the teacher, running around the room, unable to sit in her desk, and all of that. My mom told me that the reason people hate me is because I was behaving like a little boy. She said if I were a boy, I would be accepted the way I am, but because I'm not, I had to change.

I don't think I've talked about this on PC, but I was bullied as a kid on top of what was going on at home. I remember kids throwing rocks at me, spreading rumors, calling me names, chasing me around the school in groups daring each other to "touch the monster", and having entire lunch tables get up and walk away when I sat down. I remember being told that if I killed myself, more people would throw parties than cry at my funeral. Another person told me that no one loves me and I couldn't think of anyone to come back to prove them wrong. My mom told me that it was my fault and that I needed to stop talking to people long enough so they can forget how obnoxious I am. I did.
I never managed to shake this feeling that I should have been a boy because I always held on to that belief that she instilled into me when she said "it's a shame you're not a boy. People would like you if only you were a boy".

I remember when I hit puberty and my breasts came in feeling so ashamed and disgusted with them. I still hate them and they do sometimes make me feel disgusting. I've never been able to dress effeminately even though part of me wants to. I feel like a woman inside, I just hate that I do.

Part of me feels like my mom wouldn't have abused me the way she did if I were a boy. She was harder on me because she was trying to recreate herself and there was no way I could ever be her. Maybe the beatings would have been more intense as a boy, but I doubt they would have happened. My mom has never laid a hand on my brother and she makes excuses for boys saying "boys will be boys".

Being a girl makes me feel weak and useless beyond child rearing which is something I really don't want to do. I don't trust myself to ever be a parent, child birth scares me, and I know my self hatred for being a woman would only increase 10 fold if I were pregnant. Maybe I'd adopt one day. I'd rather help a kid that already exists than make another one. Being born was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Why would I want to do that to someone else?

Plus women are supposed to be dainty and pretty. I'm 6'2 and quite overweight with a lower voice than most other women. I'm terrifying. I can never be dainty or pretty. I fail at being a woman and no man would ever want me because most men want to date someone who looks like a woman and most gay men prefer their partner to have a penis. I'm going to be alone forever.