i am so so sad. after being anxious about parents visiting i am happy how it turned out. i connected with my father for the first time in my 50 years of life. i made a point to focus on him despite my narcissistic mother's jealousy and infantile behavior. i feel sad because they left today and i miss my dad and i never in all my life thought i'd feel like this and it's wonderful and he is 81 years old i used to hope my father died first but now i want time with him and hope she dies first. he monitored his drinking and i was comfortable enough we talked and talked and he told me stories about his life that are amazing full of adventures and i saw how much my mother has gotten in the way of my relationship with him. i used to think he was the worst of the two but now i see she is. he drinks he rages but that's about it. he made such a beautiful effort to not nag me and he treated me with the respect that a 50 year old woman deserves despite the parent/child relationship he treated me as an adult for the most part. i feel sad because she poisoned our relationship and i am sad bc how could it have been so much better. please don't tell me to focus on the positive that we had a good time better late than never. i am grieving the loss of a relationship with my father that i now see i could have had. they live in florida. i am in california. i want to go visit now. but i know there he will drink and i don't want to deal with that. and she will be there. she is so toxic. he and i bonded even over how we were affected by her self-centeredness. i am sad sad sad.

and on top of this my bf got stupid he didn't meet them which i'm glad and he did not want to but he got stupid and i saw his mistrust with me become so ridiculous and it pushed me to the point where i took all my things from his place and left a note saying that he succeeded in pushing away someone who has been monogamous committed faithful and that after all his encouragement (albeit negatively done) to connect with my parents he would throw this at me during their visit because i didn't explain why i decided to stay with them for two nights after saying i wouldn't stay with them in their hotel room bc it was too small. that triggered his mistrust and he said it seemed i was being deceptive. after trying to talk with him and being hung up on 3 x i left the note and took my stuff. and still i wish and hope we can fix this. i don't want to be alone at 50 and my bday is in sept. but he pushed me one too many times and unless he comes to me with words of apology and insight i have to be done with him. i have to accept that this is who he is regardless of my hopes and wishes and desires. this recent accusation or suggestion that i was being deceptive is the final blow. there are other issues but until this gets dealt with IF it gets dealt with the other crap will wait. i am sad because i do want to be with him. it has been two years together. i see the scared boy inside him that is terrified of trusting. he would never own that part of him the boy. and he may still come to me feel right in his suspicions. and that will be the end. i have nothing left to try to work on this without his humbleness. i will do therapy i will do anything as long as he is willing to work on himself too. i even sent an email saying it made sense that my message had been confusing and that i was sorry for that. i said and did all i could. and when he hung up on me the last time i was deflated i felt completely depleted of any energy to hold on anymore. and i have to accept he may never get it. he may never ever get it. and that is so sad. for both of us. in the past i'd be thinking of all i could say to him to get thru to him. now i am determined to say very little. only enough to let him know i am open to working this out. but he has to show me that he is open to his part in this. i will ask what does he need to be able to trust me. i will ask if he wants to break this pattern with me i would be happy to do that with him. his mistrust has been his protection in most if not all is past relationships. who knows. maybe i fell in love with someone who is too immature to make a healthier relationship. it's interesting bc i had too often seen myself as the "sick" one with my dx and now dating someone without an official dx i see that we all have our problems and there is absolutely no shame in my dx. it hasn't crippled me in relationships. if anything it has saved me bc i have learned a lot about myself and communication and dealing with my own issues... i read an article about how we choose our bf/gf by what it is we want for ourselves subconciously. it has me thinking a lot. and it gives me hope that whatever happens it is exactly where i need to be. and right now it sux.