So… crazy things just happened.

My dad drilled a hole in the wall because my brother wanted an Ethernet cord in his room. This sent my mom into one of the biggest rampages I’ve seen since I was in high school. She was yelling and screaming. I was in the basement at the time, but I heard it and got immediately intensely triggered. I started shaking and panicking and having flashbacks. My SI surges and sui urges were through the roof… but then I suddenly remembered that my 12 year old brother was upstairs in the middle of it. I grabbed my phone and turned on the recorder so I’d have evidence if she did anything to me and I ran upstairs to protect my brother.

I found him trying to practice horn. I sat next to him and I could see that he was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he told me “momma is going on a terror rampage and she’s punishing me without me doing anything wrong. I don’t know how to get her to stop without going to my friend’s house and getting a BB gun to make her terrorizing rampage stop”. I told him that violence is not the answer and that she won’t hurt him because I’m there and I won’t let her. I told him I’m a lot bigger and a lot stronger than her and I will keep him safe and call the police if she tries to hurt anyone. My mom comes screaming that he needs to keep practicing. I tell her to back off because it wasn’t his fault that my dad drilled a hole in the wall. She says she knows and then goes into this rant about how she is leaving my dad (in front of my 12 year old brother). Once that ends, she tells my brother to come upstairs and clean his room. I follow him to help him feel safe despite how scared I am. I am still physically shaking.

After things die down a little bit, I get a phone call. It was actually my T. I took the call outside and I almost immediately start crying. She said to take a few deep breaths because I was obviously extremely distressed and to tell her what is going on. So I did tell her about the current situation and I told her that I’m scared and that I really miss her. She said she misses me too and she is proud of me for protecting my brother and believes in my ability to make it another week and a half. I tell her that I don’t know if I can make it. She got the hint and got very scared. I said I don’t think I’m in real danger right now and that the real danger was a few weeks ago. She thanked me for saying that I’m not in immediate danger and that she was happy I was still alive. She had called me because she wanted to reschedule my appointment on the 3rd for a different time that day. She unfortunately didn’t have time to talk me through the entire event. I don’t even really remember what time she moved the appointment to. I think 5:30…? Hopefully she will call to confirm that again. But I guess now she knows a little bit about how badly things are going.

I don’t know how to handle the situation with my brother. My mom hasn’t physically abused him or verbally abused him like she did to me at least to my knowledge, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t psychologically abusing him by terrorizing him. I feel like as an adult, I should make a CPS report or do something to protect him, but at the same time, I don’t think it will go anywhere and there is no way she wouldn’t know I filed it. Who else would do it? Filing it would make her much angrier and raging too. If I filed it from here, she would cut me off and she would attack me. If I filed it from school, she would still cut me off, she wouldn’t be able to attack me but I don’t know what she would do to my siblings. I don’t even know how I would report it because she’s not doing anything that would directly harm him by degrading him or physically hurt him or otherwise. She’s not even threatening him. She’s just raging and shouting at the top of her lungs and running around. But I have this 12 year old boy telling me that he’s so scared of my mom that he wants a BB gun to protect himself. He’s an extremely nonviolent and sweet little boy, so I don’t think he’d actually do that, but that is how desperate and scared this child is and I can’t be there to protect him all the time. I will at a minimum tell him he needs to call the police if he is scared like that again. I just don’t know what to do.

[EDIT] I came upstairs again and the entire house is calm. This happened so suddenly in the span of about an hour and a half. She's now being friendly and loving to my brother. This is such a roller coaster.