thank u i sob while i read ur post ty for pointing this out. i don't quite feel as strong as you painted me but i think i know i will. i just wish my tears would slow down one day. it seems like every other month i am sobbing about some life altering thing i'm tired and i want this to stop and i want to be done with this life i know it happens maybe because i look for evolving my self.

i helped him my dad button up his sweater bc each time he had it crooked and he told me he doesnt like being told "did you notice..." he hears it as a neg and i thot how cool he could verbalize that and he said similar on phone when i'd asked him to not drink he said it would be better "i would appreciate it if ..." even tho he was angry he waited til next day to tell me and i told him i'm sorry and that he was right and that stopped the fight right there. i like my dad now. it had been 13 years since i last saw him for reasons we both had for staying apart... sad he had to turn 81 and be moving so slow and be weaker physically but i like him enjoyed his company and his stories told him i will sell his story to hollywood and make millions. wish i knw some hollywood ppl. too bad i don't because i live right here in L.A. i liked myself with him too. i was so attentive and watching out for him and helping him walk and patient and i don't know that woman in me i've never been like that with him. i was scared of him all my life and now i sob and scream into my pillow and i can't stop crying between this and the bf crap i can't stop crying my heart is breaking into a million pieces. i despise my mother to a new level she disgusts me. i am glad my father and i (i even caught myself calling him DADDY! i couldn't believe it!) he and i bonded over getting fed up with mother's ****ing insensitive ego-centric acts. she kept trying to do that poison crap of talking "behind" my dad about him but with him in the same area... i kept telling her to stop and i did not want to hear any of it... just writing about her makes me want to vomit. no boundaries her naked in front of me just like always. she wants to consume me. i couldn't even drink from a bottle she had drank from because i felt like she would steal a piece of me. only someone with similar parent would understand that. all i wanted was to be far from her and near my dad. SHE is the insane one. NOT my father like she had brainwashed me to believe. i understand his anger bc she is infuriating. yes he treats her like a kid AND she acts like a child, literally. from the dictionary, this is the woman who raised me:
self-centered: egocentric, egotistic, egotistical, egomaniacal, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, self-seeking, self-interested, self-serving; narcissistic, vain; inconsiderate, thoughtless; informal looking after number one.

i don't know what to do now. i want my dad back here. i want to visit but without her and without his alcohol . and then classic "her" (can't even write the M word) her very last words in tears as they line up at airport were i'm sorry i don't mean to offend you. yeah yeah whatever. i just said it's ok. love you. wanting to get back to saying bye to my dad. he got choked up. you know i even mentioned briefly to him about this bf crap something i had NEVER talked to him about was boys. and he was was SO COOL about it so "daddy-like" . i understand it took us this long to get here bc that's the way it is. no changing that. and maybe that's why i cry and can't stop crying. just so much grief and loss. life sux **** and i want out. i am DONE! how much and how frequently can someone go thru tough crap like this!??? when will i ever just coast for awhile!??? my legs are exhausted! they're shaking and i want off this bike!!!!!!!!!!!!!