Hi Mel,

Your posting caused me to become a member here so that I could say "Thanks" for your words.

I don't see myself as an attention seeker. But, overall, what you wrote is personally significant for me. I have made several attempts at suicide and each time I could see myself at my own funeral saying to everyone there "See? See? Do you people finally understand?"

I have some experience with the staff of psychiatric hospitals since I've been hospitalized four times, most recently last summer. There have been good staff and indifferent staff. (Is "indifferent" the same as "bad"?)

Previously, my attempts at suicide had been, like you say, pathetic because I had too much time to think about doing it. The attempt last summer changed all that when I did, in fact, carry through on an attempt. This is where your words have the most impact for me.

When I barely regained consciousness, I was in a hospital and saw a nurse and my wife next to my bed. The nurse said "We saved you by about two minutes". I looked at my wife and quietly said "I don't want to die". She began to cry a bit. As I felt my body going back to sleep, I told her "But I don't want to live either".

Later, when I was awake and more aware of what was going on, my wife said that I had been unconscious for 2 1/2 days and that they were waiting for me to stabilize before sending me to a psychiatric hospital (on what was to be my third, and worst, stay at one particular hospital).

So I understand some of what you wrote and just want to say "Thank you". Your posting had a lot of meaning for me and made me think about things.

Nija