Quote:
Originally Posted by UniversalTruth
Thank you for your responses so far. It is really difficult to see clearly right now because I feel that I have no real aptitude to handle this situation – for several reasons… I cannot be impartial.
I have told him that this very young girl needs therapy and he agrees. He has told her that she needs therapy. There are times that he has admitted he is not comfortable with the position he is in because he knows his family comes first but right now… because he literally feels responsible for her life – he is putting her first. He also admitted loving feelings towards her… he cares for her deeply. He is so very defensive of the situation he is in with her. I don’t think he can see clearly and if something were to happen to her – he would blame himself no matter what. I would rather not have him blame me if I were to tell him to end the friendship. Besides, he seems to be on a crusade to “do what is right.”
It hurts knowing he is closer to her emotionally. It is driving me crazy… I literally want to check his phone all the time to see what they talk about or put a listening device of some sort in his vehicle because I am just so lost as to what to do about this.
It is so difficult to know what to do without pushing him further away.
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UniversalTruth, I do not think this is jealousy per se. I think it is deep bitterness that you are feeling, because you have cared enough not to divorce him even though there were good reasons to, and, instead of appreciation, you got... this.
I do not think that you should check his phone or spy on his conversations. It will only make you feel crummier (that you stooped that that level). Plus, if he finds out that you have been spying on him, two bad things would happen:
1) it would push him away (and you do not want to push him further away)
2) it would give him a bit of an "moral upper hand" because you'd be violating his privacy; right now, you are in an impeccable position in that he consults with you, shares his feelings with you, etc. If you finds out that you have been spying on him, this impeccable position will go away - instead, there would be a mess. A huge mess. Don't go there.
If you want to be blunt, tell him this:
"Look, this is what the future holds for you if you continue to play the role of the knight in shining armor:
- one day you will be woken up from your sleep at 3AM by a phone call, and will rush to the side of the oxy addict who has found herself on the wrong side of the law due to the addiction, and would need bail money (H-B: I do not know anything about oxy addiction, so maybe this particular scenario is too drastic, but you get my general point)
- one day, you will find yourself in a bind because you will be the holder of all the secret information that these sisters hide from one another (the older one does not know about the addiction), and you will have to walk on a tight rope to ensure that you do not disclose anybody's secret to her sister without her approval
- and one day, finally, you will find yourself having sex with the little one, because you will want to give her the experience of having a respectful, caring male partner - the poor little thing has been feeling so much pain stemming from sexual molestation that a relationship with a man who is sexually kind to her is right what the doctor ordered. And you will be doing this as an act of loving kindness no less - the ultimate loving kindness a knight in shining armor can give to a damsel in distress. Which is all fine, and definitely the logical next step in your crusade to "do what's right",
except that when it happens, you will need to separate from me because I won't want to be in your way. No, I would want you to focus all your attention on those who need it the most - the two sisters. I will not interfere with your "do good-ism" in any way, no!
If you actually mean it, then say it, and rest your case. That is all that you can do. Spying, calling the little sister, calling the big sister are all bad moves.