I keep thinking it's my fault because I didn't get out of the house. I voluntarily spent time there.

I used to stay off school a lot because I moved schools, I was bullied at the new school and I hated it. I had lots of headaches and stomach aches, and I was depressed, tired and sleepy all the time. Somewhere along the line, I developed a sleep disorder, hypersomnia, which can be a secondary symptom of PTSD. It's a lot like narcolepsy. So I was tired all the time and kind of defeated by life. I didn't want to stay at home with my parents but where else was I going to go? Nowhere I could think of at the time, and I pushed away the knowledge that I needed to not be there.

My dad had lost his job and was at home too. During the day. My mum was at work, my brother had left home by then, so nobody else was going to come home, nobody else was going to see, nobody would hear. But I shouldn't have been there, at home with him, letting it happen, surely I should have stayed away or barricaded the door. I don't know why I didn't.

I kept telling my mum I hated my dad. I told her I wanted to live in foster care and she said something dismissive and invalidating like she always did, but then she got this weird look on her face and asked if I had something to tell her. I don't remember if I said anything. She would have ignored and dismissed it if I had.

Recently I tried to talk to her about my childhood and she said: "At least you spent a lot of time out of the house." I thought that was such a pathetic answer as the wrong person was out of the house. I forgot, somehow, that this wasnt true. It's only just dawned on me. I spent a lot of time out of the house from age 16 on. But, age 14-15, I spent loads of time at home, I hardly socialised and I skipped school. I was in the house way more than I was out of it.

But I chose to be there. I didn't do everything I could do stay away. So maybe that means it's at least partly my fault, maybe he thought I didn't mind because I didn't tell someone or stop it, I keep thinking he wouldn't expect to get away with it if he was forcing me, because I know people do expect to get away with that but he's my dad, so he's not supposed to.

I recently read something elsewhere online by a girl whose dad did stuff to her and she kept saying he loved her and he didn't mean to hurt her. I scoffed. I thought: that's blatantly not true. I tell myself I have no such illusions about my parents. Yet I keep insisting MY dad wouldn't do this.

I have a maladaptive defence system that tells me this wouldn't have bothered me, I don't care, I probably enjoyed it. I used to think I was a demented fantasist who wanted to have been abused but hadn't. Now I think I have these faulty beliefs because I needed them to cope. Or I wouldn't have them. Nobody wants to be abused.

When I posted this thread, I never imagined anyone would say anything nice. I am floored by the responses. Thank you.