Hong Kong Fluey,

I joined PsychCentral just to respond to your message. I have type II Bipolar disorder. I believe that my older sister has either type I Bipolar disorder, BPD, or perhaps both. I'd like to share with you what I believe are most conducive to having a long lasting, loving relationship.

• Become a better person. Knowing yourself inside and out is tremendously important. You must get to know yourself intimately. Self-improvement is a life-long process which never ends. You do it primarily for yourself. You primarily benefit from this, and everyone around you, including your future lovers, will benefit too. You must learn your personal history as best as your able. You must accept and make peace with your past. You will need courage to look back into your childhood and connect all of the dots from your past to your present, digging up all the knowledge about your personal development which you can. Success in any relationship is based on communication. If you do not know yourself, and your partner does not know themselves, then it's as if two mysterious beings are interacting together with consequences and cause/effect unknown. You must know yourself so that you can communicate clearly, "This is how I'm feeling. This is why I feel this way. This is what I want. I understand that you want x, and I respect that, but it's important for me that I take care of y." This kind of communication is critical in a healthy relationship. We all have needs, but it we don't know ourselves, intimately know our own needs, then no one else is going to be able to decipher them for us. Healthy communication is about clarity. Here are a few suggestions which have helped me tremendously in becoming a better person / knowing myself:
  • Go to psychotherapy, regularly, for years and years to come. It will help you to know yourself intimately and become the best you that you can be.
  • Write in a journal every day for the rest of your life. Get to know your mind. Express yourself. Explore your thoughts. Discover in writing the way that you think and observe the patterns that come up. Have you heard of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming)? We have a biological computer (brain) which is programmable. Our childhood programming was outside of our control. You are what you've been programmed to me. You are your programming. By writing in a journal every day you get to examine your thought-patterns and the consequences of them. Now you can begin to be optimistic and try writing in a more positive, goal-oriented way. Encourage yourself! Be your best friend. Set high standards for yourself. Yes, you've been influenced by your past, but now you're taking your life into your own hands (as best as you can).
  • Read lots of books by people smarter than you (and me). Books are a gateway into the minds of great thinkers. You can borrow so much knowledge and wisdom from others! I can recommend:
    • All About Love - Bell Hooks
    • The Collected Works of Carl Jung
    • The Ethical Slut - Easton/Hardy
    • Sexual Solipsism - Langton
    • The Celestine Prophecy - James Redfield
    • Siddharta - Hermann Hess
  • Consider studying 'Queer Theory / Gender Theory'. Our programming by our dominant institutions imprisons our sexuality. We must liberate it, and our minds! For example in the West white male heterosexual Christians have dominated society and affected people's sexualities. We have certain assumptions about the role that men and women must play in a healthy relationship. It is these assumptions which we must examine, question, and truly think about. Did you ever personally decide that marriage was the right thing to do, that you must bondage yourself to only lover, that love means jealous possession, or that only heterosexual love is permissible? By breaking out of these institutionalized assumptions you can begin to face human beings and relationships in a new light based on true love and mutual respect.
  • If you want to have a loving and healthy relationship with anyone you must develop to the best of your ability your compassion, empathy, virtue, respect, understanding and solidarity with your fellow human being. A woman is not a woman, and a man is not a man. We are fundamentally human beings. We all require love, patience, understanding, respect, empathy, kindness, loving communication... The friends which you keep make a difference. Do you, or your friends use foul language like *****, *****, ****, slut, fag, etc. to denigrate others? You need mature friendships with people who truly value life.

These are some of my thoughts. Please take what you can use and leave the rest. I wish you luck my friend. Remember to love yourself first. Work on developing yourself. You are the flower which opens up to receive the stars. The treasure is within you. You must only find it.