Oh tinyrabbit You are being so brave to be exploring your memories right now, to be letting them come back. Don't you see just how brave that is? ((Answer: It is very brave!))

It is your father's fault. NONE of it is your fault. Maybe you'll remember why you were at home a lot, maybe you won't. ((If I was to take a guess based on how adult you is reacting, and on how my own low-self-esteem works........ I would throw out a possible guess that you maybe felt too ashamed to leave the house because you felt like it was your fault? Or that you thought you deserved it, or that he wouldn't repeat it? Maybe you were scared about what other people might say or ask, because you weren't sure how you would respond?)) It is so easy for the people in positions of power to convince us that they're right, and that we're wrong.

You said it yourself that you "felt kinda defeated by life". When you feel that way, I can understand how running away from the situation wouldn't have crossed your mind - you wouldn't have known how to and you probably wouldn't think that it was even possible! And really, how else COULD you have ran away? You were a minor. You had no where else to go. It DOES NOT mean that any of it is your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.